Normal

Now that I have never been one to want to be normal, as a matter of fact my high school yearbook quote was "there is nothing worse than being normal." While I still stand by that in many ways, there is a certain type of normal that I strive for. It is not about being boring or being the same as the person next to you wearing the same outfit as all your friends normal. It is more about body acceptance normal.

There have been times in my adult life that I felt normal and I can remember them all. They all occur about the 170's. I can remember my 22nd birthday when I was on weight watchers and I had gotten down to my all time adult low of 173lbs. I wore my size 12 American Eagle jeans and this green halter top that covered my minimal muffin top perfectly. Another time was trying on bridesmaid dresses with two other very thin girls. I was around 175lbs and since the bride was sick we took pictures together of each dress for her. When I went home and uploaded the pictures I was pleasantly surprised that I looked normal and not like the fat girl of the group.

Over the past 3 years I have felt very much out of place in my own body. Yes, I was pregnant for a chunk of that time but before pregnancy and definitely after I was much larger than 175. Now I am a short girl at 5 foot 2 so even 175 is still quite big on my frame. So imagine 200lbs on my frame, I was drowning and couldn't get out of my own way to lose the weight.

I refuse to blame my child or even pregnancy for my weight gain. I only gained 28lbs while pregnant and 20 of them dropped off within the first month of my son's life. I also have a very supportive husband who is always willing to watch our son so I can work out. It is really all about me and the decisions that I make to change.

So back to feeling normal. I am currently in the 176-178 weight range and starting to get back to feeling normal. Now my end goal is 135 but it is nice to start feeling normal again. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and have the confidence to do everything that I want to do. I want to be in pictures with my son and run around being silly with him without feeling judged. I know that 90% of this is in my head but the mind is an amazing thing.

I am thankful everyday that I have been able to stick with running and that I am working hard at tracking my food to hold myself accountable. I am making changes everyday to be healthier and in turn happier. I just want to feel normal.

I found my answer (See post below)

"If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run."
--John Bingham


And now I know.

When do I get to call myself a runner?

I think about this a lot. I am still quite overweight, I run very slow, and I am still pretty new at this running thing. When do I get to call myself a runner? Is it a speed thing? a time goal? a distance? I'm not really sure.

I thought when I hit the running for 30 minutes straight I would feel like a real runner. I am still not going far though because I am slow. So I set a distance goal of 2 miles, still not 100% feeling it. I signed up for a 5k, too scared to think about it, not a runner. Set a run outside in my neighborhood goal, done, still not there. I ran on a popular running path, still not quite it.

I still feel like a liar when I say I went for a run, I still feel completely inadequate shopping for running gear at sporting stores. I literally feel like someone is going to come tell me to leave because there is no way I could be a runner. I felt/feel awkward talking about running and felt like I was an imposter.

I huffed and puffed my way to where I am. I ran through aches and pain. I push myself every time I run to do better and be more of a runner. I signed up for a second 5k before I even had reached my goal of running 3.1 miles. I put myself out into the world and ran. I stopped hiding behind my treadmill and it was really hard.

I wondered if people were judging me. I took their smiles as encouragement but also wondered if they were pity smiles. Were they just thinking that I would stop in a few feet? Were they laughing in their heads at how hard the running was for me? Did I look stupid. At the end of my run, I didn't care. I had run and I felt good. Was this my first step in accepting myself as a runner?

Last night a set a goal for myself. I would run 3 miles straight, no breaks. Now this may seem like a small goal but considering that my longest run to date was 2 miles, it felt like a mountain. I had planned to run outside but the wind was blowing so hard and I wanted to set myself up for a victory, so to the treadmill I went. I knew my treadmill held all of my cheesy motivation post its and that I would have all the time I needed without worrying about it getting too dark outside. I was locked into this goal. I would run 3 miles. My mantra was unless you puke, pass out, or die keep running.

I wanted to give up on mile 1 but I pushed through and by the time I hit mile 2 I knew that I had made it too far to even think about stopping. When my watch hit 3 miles I knew what I had to do. I pushed that extra .1 and had officially run my first 5k.

So what about now? Am I a runner?

I'm still not quite sure. Perhaps I need to run along side someone I consider a runner? Maybe after my first 5k I will feel it? HOw do you define being a runner? When did you first feel it?

So many questions.

Where does the time go? How does becoming a mom change my bedtime to 9 o'clock? When did I become a runner? Or am I?

So many questions but I suppose an update is due. We are still a family of 3. My son is a thriving 16 almost 17 month old happy child. I love being his mom and have never been happier.

I am down about 30lbs since December and feeling pretty great although I still have a way to go. I started running in January and can now run 36 minutes straight on the treadmill and around 2 miles outside. I have been using My Fitness Pal and counting calories. It has made my life much easier and changed he way I look at calories. I think in terms of if a food is "worth" spending my calories. Sometimes candy is worth the calories other times not so much. So it isn't really always about the nutrition of the nutrition of the item but rather if it fits into my daily needs. I know that if I am running that day I will need to pay more attention to my food choices or else my run will suck. I have also found that my water intake makes a huge difference in my runs. If I am not drinking like a fish all the time I suffer during my runs.

I will say working out did not give me any energy, exactly the opposite really. I am pooped and I go to bed really early! I was hoping my body would adjust but not so much yet. I did check in with my doctor and all of my bloodwork came back normal and I know that it isn't any other issue. Life is jut making me tired.

Now the runner question is one I am going to write about in another post because it is something I really struggle with. It is a self esteem issue/confidence issue for sure.

I am going to try harder to be a better blogger because it does help me and I hope it is somewhat entertaining! I do have a list of blog ideas that I want to work on. Sometimes I think that writing out my thoughts will help me work through the issues. Sometimes just getting it out of my head feels good. Of course hearing that other people think the same way is always amazing!

It has been a while.

Ok, so I will start with my excuses first. My laptop is pretty much shot and I am using a tablet, so typing is pretty difficult. I have a almost 15 month old son (how did that happen?) and I am working full time. Now that that is out of the way I can give the real update.


Life is good and although financially we have been really struggling I am happy. I do the best I can with what we have and put my sons needs first, just like any other good mom. It does make eating healthy more difficult but I do my best. My focus has really been on working out daily and I have to say I have been kicking butt. I officially started on Jan 1st and have worked out in some way every day. I made a promise to myself to make a real effort and not just count walking around getting groceries but rather activity that I put a sports bra on for to qualify it as a workout.


I have been running, using the couch to 5k program and I am super proud to say I am on week 7 run 3. Which means I am able to run 25 minutes straight without walking! I use the c25k program every other day and on the days in between I either walk 30+ minutes or do yoga. I have missed 4 days tops since new years and I think that is pretty darn good.


I do find it hard to take the time away from my son to workout in the evenings. My husband has been great in supporting me by taking over his dinner/bathtime routine so that I can workout. I still feel guilty that I am missing out on that time with my son. I find myself rushing my cool downs trying to be done more quickly to spend time with him. I know I deserve it and I know having a healthy mom is important to him too. That doesn't really make it easier though.

I thought about working out in the morning but since my treadmill is in the room right next to my son's it would be too loud while he was sleeping. Plus I would have to get up obscenely early and that just doesn't work for me. SO at this point it is what it is and I know the time away from his is worth it in the long run when he has a healthy mom and role model.

SO that is the scoop. I will try to be a better blogger but I am not making any promises! I am just chugging along. I hope to have a 5k planned for spring or fall depending on how my transition from running on the treadmill to running outside works out.

Still weighing and watching

That's right I am still on the weight watcher bandwagon and going strong! I am a little over a month in and have lost 10 pounds. It is such a relief to start feeling like myself again. I just feel awful when I am carrying too much extra weight. I am 7 pounds away from my prepregnancy weight, not that my prepregnancy weight was health either but I am trying to look at small steps.

My first goal was to lose 5% of my body weight and so my next goal is to hit the pre-baby weight. After that my 10%. Setting those small reachable goals really helps me not get too overwhelmed. In the grand scheme of things I would love to lose 60 more pounds but honestly I would be very happy losing 20 more.

I feel like my attitude is much better this time around. I will not get discouraged with small losses because in the end game they will add up to a big loss! In the past it has always been my tendency to hit a plateau for a week or two and then give up. Then I would just gain all the weight and sometimes even more back. Clearly it is better to stay and fight through the plateau!

One thing I have always appreciated about weight watchers is that I really can eat what I want in moderation and I can splurge too. For example on my anniversary I ate chinese food to my hearts (stomachs :D ) content and I used my weekly points to cover it. I then just cut back a little the rest of the week. I mean, that is how I can live my life without going crazy.

So that is where I am right now. By the way it is astounding that my son is already 8 months old! Hopefully I can get this extra weight off in less time than it took to put it on while pregnant! It is going to be a close call!

Making progress

It is so nice to see change result from focus. I have been diligently doing weight watchers for 2 and 1/2 weeks now and have seen a total of 7lbs lost. The initial loss of 5 pounds after the first week was a combination of being off birth control pills and starting weight watchers but I will take it!

It of course always helps when I have time off from work (summer break) to focus on what I am eating and eating when I am hungry rather than on a schedule. I am also enjoying lots of time with my son who is growing at an unbelievable rate! We are so close to crawling over here and that scares me immensely! I don't think I am ready to see the little man on the move.

Who loves Iced Coffee

We do over here for sure and while I do love other people making my coffee for me it gets really expensive. I have a confession, I am cheap but the one thing I spend money on frivolously is iced coffee. I like dunkin, timmy ho's, and starbucks. Up until a few months ago I could easily spent $30 a week buying coffee and so much more if I was traveling. What is it about traveling that makes you feel like you need to constantly have a cup of coffee in your cupholder? Anyways, moving on, I don't buy iced coffee anymore. Now before you freak out, I still get my iced coffee fix but now it costs me about 10 cents a cup. Okay you got me, I didn't actually do the math but I bet it is close. I've started making my iced coffee at home. Now stay with me, I am not doing the whole brew a hot coffee and cool it off deal because lets be honest that takes like crap. I found this recipe over at Pioneer woman's blog. I gave it a spin and honestly have never looked back. Even when we travel I pack my own iced coffee in a thermos and or cup. It is that good. The other bonus to making your own coffee at how besides the obvious money saving (1 pound of coffee gets me roughly 2 gallons of iced coffee) I can also control the amount of cream and sugar that I put in. I don't know about you but these places always screw up my coffee no matter how specific I am. I mean how hard is 2 creams, 2 sugars? That crap is premeasured, how do you mess that up? There is nothing worse than spending money on bad coffee. Anyways, that is a rant for another day. I like to control how my food/drink is made so this works great for me. I can calculate exactly how many points I want to "spend" on my coffee and some days I add less cream or sugar to lower my points. You could also use almond or soy milk instead of creamer. I am partial to half and half personally. So please save your waistline and your wallet and try this easy way to cold brew homemade iced coffee!

Feeling Good.

I am feeling soo good a few days into eating better/less. I know the weight watchers honeymoon won't last forever but for now I am doing well. It is reminding me of how hard it is to stock your food because I feel like I cant just eat anything out of the cupboard. I am trying to avoid buying 100 calorie packs and anything too processed. My grocery budget does not have a lot of wiggle room so I really need to plan. That is really the part I do not miss, having to plan everything that goes into my mouth. The baby is getting up sooo early lately. 5:30am is just not nice :( I am so grateful that I have such a supportive husband who takes his job as a dad/husband very seriously. I do not know what I would do without him <3

Back on the WWwagon.

A great friend of my recently sent me her weight watchers plus materials including the new points plus calculator. WW has been the only strategy in the past that has shown results for me. I am going to give it another go. I am combining ww with weekly goal setting. I found a goal chart in some healthy eating materials that my husband brought home from his nutrition class at work. It have 2 weeks of boxes and spots for 5 goals. Each day you check off the daily goals that you completed. My Goals - walk 30 minutes a day -get outside/read on my porch -drink 2 bottles of water a day -track my food -eat breakfast Pretty simple goals to hit everyday and although 2 bottles of water is barely meeting the recommended amount of water I should be drinking I wanted to set a goal that I was likely to be able to meet. Right now drinking any water during the day is challenging because I do not even think about it, so 2 bottles is a huge improvement. Now you probably don't know this but I am a huge list maker. I love checking items off of my to do list. I think this goal chart plays into my list making obsession. I know it is time to focus because my weight is not healthy and I am not setting a good example for my son. I feed him all fruit and veggies because I know that it is what is best for him right now, why don't I care enough about myself to eat better? As much as I want to believe that I can not change and the weight will magically disappear the truth is it hasn't happened yet. Right after having the baby I dropped weight at a 2-5lb loss a day. It was so amazing to see the scale go down every single day but in reality that will never happen again. I need to acknowledge that if I want to see change in my body I need to change my lifestyle.

hunger pangs

Is it okay to feel hungry? I have always feared my stomach rumbling like if I didn't eat right away I would starve. So, I know it is important to fuel your body and it is good to eat many small meals a day to keep hunger away but is there anything wrong with feeling a little hungry? Now I am not alluding to starving oneself. What I mean is it might be 10:30 and I am eating lunch around 12 is it okay to wait for lunch? I don't feel faint or sick. Just ever so often my stomach rumbles and I think "oh no I better eat". Instead I am going to try to wait, planning my meal, and eating at 12. Why are we so afraid of being hungry?

Well we lasted a week doing the shred and fell off the wagon on the weekend! It was a start I guess. It is so stinkin easy to lose momentum. I know morning workouts are really the answer for me because once the baby is in bed I am right behind him falling in to my own bed! I can make a thousand excuses not to work out in the morning but the bottom line is that I hate waking up early, it is that simple. You know what else I hate? Being fat. I hate that no matter what size pants I buy, I still have muffintop. If the waistline touches my body, I swear I get muffin top. None of my clothes fit right, most don't fit at all. I am buying clothes I don't even like just because they may hide my muffintop. I hate that. I love clothes, but because of my body I am starting to feel so much anxiety about clothing. I guess I will just sit here and cry about it. This is the shittiest blog ever and I apologize to my readers. I am not motivating or even interesting. I will try harder. I have got to get it together. It is so easy to make plans but so hard to stick to them. I am just trying to keep my head above water being a new mom. My house is constantly a mess and laundry is piled up to the ceiling. I'm not even just sitting her blogging, I am also bouncing the baby in his seat while he sleeps. Thank god for naps. I need to focus on one thing at a time. Today is laundry, I am on my 4th load. Tomorrow I will figure out a workout schedule. I just need to do something active everyday.

Hi to everyone who is too lazy to delete me from their reader.

Just kidding, maybe. Well I am still alive and adjusting to the amazingness that is being a new mom. My son is 4 months old, I cannot believe it. I have finally hit the I need to lose this serious post baby muffintop. It is like my muffintop is on steroids, seriously. I hate it. I hate that there is nothing in my closet that makes me feel good or even okay about my body. I love clothes but nothing looks good right now. I am dressing so boring just in an effort attempt to wear anything that will hide my muffintop (It isn't working, trust me) and I hate it. So I could sit here and wah wah wah but instead I am making a plan. Yeah, I know another plan. Most, ok all of my plans tend to flame out in a matter of days but without a plan I have nothing, so here it goes. I set a challenge, you are going to love this, trust me. I challenged my husband to a 30 day shred off. So here are the rules, the person who shreds the most days in a week "wins" sleeping in on the weekend! Genius, I know. I mean if you know anything about me then you know that the thing I love to do most in the world other than eating, is sleeping. IT. IS. ON. The weeks runs Saturday to Friday, that's when we tally up the days shredded and see who gets to sleep in. If we tie, then we each get a day and we worked our butts off. I am totally sleeping in all weekend :) Wish me luck and I will try to post more, I promise <3

What am I eating?

Well not a whole lot. Ever since I had my son I have struggled with a lack of appetite. Now you may think that is a good thing but the truth is in order to stop my stomach from rumbling I have to eat something and the only things that are palatable to me are carby. I have been eating crackers, chips, toast, and drinking coffee by the gallon(ok not gallon but still way too much). My post baby belly is ridiculous, it is low and smushy and I do not care for it one bit.
I am back at work now, it has been a week and it is going ok but I am so tired. I love coming home to see my son, it is truly the highlight of my day. I hope soon to be back to a regular schedule as he gets more into a routine and going to daycare in the morning is the norm.
My husband is on vacation this coming week and will be finishing the flooring in our small spare room, I plan to put my treadmill up there and use it during the baby's 3-5pm nap. I think his nap will be a good reminder to work out. I know I will feel better once I get more regular exercise in my day. Maybe I will even be able to stay up later than 9pm.

So other than that I am just being a mom and loving it. I really hope to check in more frequently, even if it is just a Saturday weekly check in. This baby belly is not going anywhere until I recommit to my health that is for sure. Without further adieu, my handsome, happy boy.

NYR

My new years resolutions are so different this year. Typically I would list lose weight, drink more water, and exercise which are always goals of mine but this year my priorities seem to have shifted. This year my goals are more family orientated.

1. Be present in my life, enjoy those around me and stop rushing. Times goes too fast as it is.
2. Be more conscious of my health because my son deserves the best role models in his life.
3. Take time to take care of myself.
4. focus on my marriage and show my husband the appreciation the he deserves.
5. Lose the last 10lbs of the baby weight. This is important because right now I hate seeing myself in pictures and I want to look back at these memories without cringing at my appearance! Although 10 lbs may not quite cut it but it is a very manageable goal.

Well they are very open ended and definitely not in a measurable goal format (except #5) But then again it is just an outline for the year!

Life as a mom.

It is amazing how quickly time passes when you have a newborn. Yes, that is right I am a mom complete with a sagging empty belly! A small small price to pay for my amazing son. Now that is not to say that I am not a little freaked out to have the extra baby weight to lose on top of my prior excess.

I will say that I am happy with the amount of weight that I gained with my pregnancy, it was really appropriate. I gained 28lbs and 20 of it was baby! So I am about 8 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. That drops me off around the 200lb mark, most days 199.

I miss my hard round belly and knowing that my son is always with me. I miss looking at my stomach with the pride of knowing that it was holding such an amazing treasure. My body was doing exactly what it was supposed to do. I had a shockingly uneventful pregnancy with the exception of gestational diabetes that I was able to control with diet.

Now on to my son Cal, he is absolutely perfect. He was born 7lbs 3oz and 19.5 inches on November 26th. He is a happy healthy boy and he makes me want to be a better person everyday. I am currently on (unpaid) maternity leave until the end of February and I want to make the most of it. I spend my days caring for his every need and I know that one thing he will need his whole life is a healthy mom. I want to be the best role model that I can for him.

Overall I am taking mommyhood in stride and loving just about every minute. My husband is amazing and I don't know how I would do it without him. I love to see him lay on the floor playing with the baby. He has jumped into fatherhood with both feet and is wonderful at it

SO now I need a plan to work on me. With the little guys schedule slowly starting to form I am hoping to figure it out. I am thinking that I can work out in the morning while the baby sleeps after his 6am meal. I am just waiting to get cleared to work out by my doctor. Although I am sure that walking would be ok. I did have an episiotomy so I don't want to push it too much. I think that the place to start will be food, I plan to keep up with my gestational diabetes diet plan because it kept me from gaining too much while I was pregnant. It is basically high protein and lower carb. The main thing that I learned from that diet was that I needed to not skip snacks and cut sugar. I need to focus on planning meals and grocery shopping accordingly to avoid spending too much and blowing the budget.

SO that is update and I will try to post more as I go along! Without further adieu pictures of my son.

This is all I am doing right now.

20lbs 25 weeks.