commitment issues

I am a lazy beast. I make plans, I break them. I come up with amazing health schemes and give up. I'm not sure where I lose my motivation, I see success and it gets hard and I give up. I expect it to be easy. I expect to just catch on and love it. I end up constantly failing myself. I want my pants to fit, I want to look good in candid photos, and I want to find a love for activity. I want to live my life. I want to commit to something and succeed.

I am so sick of the lose gain roller-coaster, its ridiculous.

If I looked at someone that was doing the same thing I am I would say snap (or slap out of it) out of it and just do it, stop making excuses, everything doesn't have to be fun.

Some things that that I want to do are
-get up early (6am) daily
-learn to run (I keep giving up)
-do a full 30 day shred

Yes these are things that will help result in some weight loss and yes losing weight is important to me but its not really on the list. These are things that require commitment. I need to learn to follow through. SO this leaves me with a whiny post and a list of things I have failed to do. I can hit post and forget about it and continue to deny what needs to be done. I need to not do that. I need to make a choice and decide which of these items I will commit to for the month of October.

Tomorrow I will start, I will let you know which I chose!

Break ups are hard

Its over. I'm a little heart broken and feeling quite lost. Yes it is true Diet Coke and I are over. I officially broke up with my main vice. As of today no more diet coke. Cold turkey. We will see how this goes. I know I am going to feel some serious pain for the next week or so. Headaches will rule my life for a while. I hate caffeine withdrawals they suck. I am going to pick up some lemons to help me flavor my water.

I have given up DC before very successfully but started up again wanting that 0 calorie enjoyment. I will give it my best.

My fear

A fear that I have about losing weight is that I am planning on getting pregnant in the next year or 2. I know it seems silly but I feel like I will just gain it all back. Whats the point? I realize that that is not necessarily correct. I could lose 50lbs and gain only 20 with the pregnancy. I could gain mostly baby not all fat like it is now.

I really want to experience being a cute pregnant woman with a nice round belly. I want to be able show off my belly. I want to introduce my child into a healthy home. I have no fear that I will teach my child to eat well but I do fear that I won't be able to model it for them.

Maybe my main concern isn't weigh but rather living a healthy lifestyle. I struggle with finding healthy foods I actually like. I just wish I had a way to make myself love veggies.

I wish I had insurance so I could see a therapist. I have a lot of issues that need working out. I know that my issue is psychological but I just can't seem to work it out myself. I keep trying, its the curse of my psych degree. But this post has helped, I know that I need to be a healthier person with healthier habits before I bring another human into this world.

I have a confession..

I don't drink my water, not even a little bit. I used to be pretty good about getting 40ish oz a day. Now I drink diet coke, maybe a little milk, and well thats it. I'm not sure how I got to this point of not drinking any water but it is most definitely not ok. When I do focus on drinking water i usually feel like I have to chug it down, then I get really bad heartburn and usually it is at night which leads to other problems.

I know I need to change this habit. I tend to lean towards all or nothing so my firs thought is "ok, I will quite drinking diet coke" which in itself is not a horrible idea but I love it. It is my zero calorie escape. It is my source of caffeine, because coffee (with creamer) has calories but not my lovely dc. It is so addictive, I get the worst headaches without it. Yes, in the past, I have given it up but I always come back to it. It is my only vice. I don't smoke, do drugs, or even drink (maybe once a month). Well carbs and diet coke.

I need to focus on moderation. I need to get my water in for sure. I think I should fill a gallon of water, put it in my fridge and then everyday I will see just how far I make it through that gallon. Make it a game.

frazzle not dazzle

I am feeling a little lost again. Money is tight and I am not getting any interviews. I need a job and really soon. I have applied to several schools to sub and a handful of other part time jobs. Everything feels so uncertain and I am getting a little worried because I need to be able to pay for fuel to heat the house. If something doesn't happen soon it is going to be a cold Maine winter in my house. I hate feeling not in control.

Food wise I have no been counting my calories, lucky for me we don't have much left for food. Groceries on Thursday since it is my husband's payday. I've got to do better planning for healthy low cost meals for this week. I've really got to think about it. It can be really tough but I know it can be done.

I wish I could make the connection that I can be in control of my diet. When I feel a lack of control I wish I could think about that. Instead I stop caring about everything, including my diet and exercise. I lose focus and basically just get through my days. It never fails to amaze me how quickly you can go from totally motivated to coasting to gaining.


*I used the term diet meaning what I eat not a specific diet plan.

to weigh or not to weigh

How do people go for a month with out weighing in? I can’t imagine. I struggle not to weigh in mid week. I’m not saying that it wouldn’t be a good thing for me to go without the scale for a month but even two weeks freaks me out. I feel like I need that push of feeling good about losing that pound or the freak out of not losing. Although I will also be the first to admit that there have been times that seeing a gain or no loss has completely sent me into a binge whirlwind. So yes I have been thinking of taking a 2 week weigh in break from the scale. But I’m not sure, it seriously makes me uneasy. At this point I will weigh in on Sunday as planned especially since I had such a fluke weigh in last Sunday.

I have decided to try to kick up my workouts this week. I am going to kick this laziness that has taken me over. I have a confession…..I sleep in ….everyday….until 10:30.
As you may know I am unemployed, not by choice. I am looking for a job and send out my resume and interviewing but nothing is catching. I am applying for minimum wage jobs that do not use my degree and I think I am getting refused because they know I won’t be there to stay long. School is in and I cannot imagine I will get a teaching job at this point for the year. If I don’t get a job soon I assume I will have to try to be a full time substitute teacher. I wouldn’t mind that however it is not a dependable paycheck.
Ok that was a little sidetracked but what I really want to say is that I am going to start waking up at a reasonable hour, using an alarm clock and everything haha. I want to get in a morning workout and an evening workout. I have been getting in a workout in the evenings but I think it will be good for me to have something that I need to complete in the mornings. Plus it is more calories burned which is great. SO that’s my plan for change.

Weigh in

Well this morning was a seriously disappointing weigh in. I weighed in with almost a 2lb gain. I'm not really sure whats up with that so I am going to try weighing in tomorrow since I have felt a little bloated lately. At first I really felt upset but then I realized that I have been making good choices (with the exception of the trip out of town) and now I need to stay on track. So I ate breakfast and tracked and here we go.

Pancakes (yeah my titles aren't creative)

My husband made me pancakes this morning, I know how lucky am I? Well pretty lucky actually. My first thought was to check the calories in the mix and syrup while he was cooking to make sure I didn't go too overboard. What I saw suprised me a bit and I thought oh no if I eat these I will be screwed for the day. Okay that is the old Jess thinking. In reality I had two pancakes and an eighth of a cup of syrup and was perfectly happy. I didn't feel deprived or lacking in any way. I was not full either, so I think I did well. I ended up using under 350 calories for my pancakes and my coffee. That is pretty average for breakfast, I am considering this a WIN.

In other news this week has felt a little less in control. I went out of town and ate fast food due to a lack of money to go to a real dinner. I tried to not go overboard but with dollar menu it is easy to eat a lot of calories quickly. I am not letting one day get me down. Yesterday I didn't itemize my food I just added up the calories for the meal loosely and wrote it down. While I am glad I tracked I am seeing that it would be easy to underestimate calories that way. Yesterday I did get my activity in, I biked and played frisbee with the husband.

Today I will log everything I eat individually. I will get out and enjoy this fall like weather too!

Gardening.

Sometimes I think too much about what I want to blog about and then I have to go back and make sure I didn't actually post it. Most of the time I end up "posting things" in my head haha. You should really get in there and read some time ; )

Yesterday morning (okay I slept in it was like 10) my neighbor knocked on my door asking if I wanted her to help me clear out my lilac bush, there are a couple of sapplings that were growing in it. I said sure. Now I have to set this up, my neighbor is a master gardener and I just moved into a house that was uninhabited for 2 years, so the garden is more weeds than flowers. I know that there are flowers only because I have seen pictures. So I say yes of course and her husband comes over with the chainsaw. We clear out the lilac bush and I am feeling pretty happy. Then she says "I will be right back".

She comes back with her gardening gloves (a pair for me too) and we then proceed to weed the perimeter of my house where the garden is. So, 3 overflowing wheelbarrows of pulled weeds, 2 hours of labor, and 1 cleared out garden later we were done. I am really happy that it has been taken care of and I totally appreciate my neighbor helping me out. I would have had no idea what were flowers and what were weeds, and I certainly wouldn't have gotten it done in one day. I was wayyyy more productive than I could have ever expected for a Sunday morning.

Now this IS my weightloss blog not my home blog so there is a weight loss connection. I burned nearly 700 calories in those 2 hours of weeding....sweet! Now yesterday my hands hurt a little, this morning the back of my thighs are KILLING me! My hands are still a little sore and my lower back is tight but still totally worth it.

early weight

Well Tomorrow is my official weekly weigh in day but since I got my period this morning I decided to weigh in today in case I got the monthly bloat tomorrow. I am still going to weigh in tomorrow and see if the number is lower but as of today I weighed in at 187.6 so about a half a pound. Not earth shattering but since it has been so crazy hot this week I haven't been very active so I'm not shocked. I also tend to want to eat nonstop right before my period and I definitely had some serious chocolate cravings this week.

In other news I am chopping off my hair again. Ever since moving 3 hours away from my amazing hair dresser I have avoided cutting my hair out of fear and financial issues. It just seems really wasteful to drive that far lol. So my husband has a meeting in our previous town on Wednesday and I get to go with him and get my hair cut! I cannot wait! I am so sick of picking up long strand of hair all over the house, on my shoulder, in my cleavage. I had no idea I lost so much hair in a day.

Well I am going to curl up with a book, toss back some midol and relax on my porch.

breezy evening

Finally we are enjoying a little break from the heat this evening and I sure made the most of it! After being couped up the past couple days with the small exception of a couple super quick bike rides in the dark. I was really ready to get some activity in. The husband and I went for a good walk about 45 minutes after dinner. Once I assessed my calorie intake for the day I was really glad it was still light out because I added a 20 minute bike ride to that. That brought me to a comfy 650 calorie deficit for the day, allowing for a small snack tonight if I wish.

Now I am sitting my sweaty self down on my screened in front porch, windows open, enjoying the breezy evening. I will probably drag myself to the shower after this post and then resume my evening on the porch with my Stef Plum book.

Feeling hot hot hot.

It is HOT here. I live in Maine and I am not used to weeks of 90+ degree weather without ac. Its killing me! I keep wanting to go out and walk or ride my bike but it is just way too hot. I am sweating sitting on my couch under the fan, so I cannot imagine being out in the heat working. I really wish I could be outside. Sleeping has been pretty miserable too. I cannot sleep in a hot room and the fan just hasn't been cutting it.

Now that all my whining is out haha on to other things. My calories are pretty much in check.It sure can be tough when it is too hot hot workout, I like being able to add to my calories burned so that while I still have the 500 calorie deficit I can have a snack in the evening without any guilt. Oh well I am making it work.

My goal for the day is to get out of the house for a bit and find some ac. I need to hit the laundromat but it is totally not air conditioned so I may wait it out.

September Goals
~ Lose 5 lbs bringing me down to 183
~ get a job, any job that will enable me to pay for oil this winter will work at this point
~ Keep up with the evening walks with the Husband.

Simple and accomplishable.