looking up

Well things are looking up, I just booked a long term sub job (3 weeks) and found out that the teacher is leaving so there will be a job opening. Oh I can only dream!! I am dying to have my own classroom. I am trying to not get my hopes up because I am sure that there will be a ton of applicants. It is such a great school, I love it.

I am so glad to have confirmed 3 weeks of work!

I feel....ew.

I'm feeling really crappy, constantly exhausted. I hate it but i know it is because I haven't been taking care of myself. I should be eating better and I need to get some activity in. I spend too many hours on the couch. It is amazing how little I actually move when I am not working. I suppose then it isn't surprising that I feel like the walking dead at the end of a day of teaching. I drink diet coke, coffee, and No water. I eat out of a box and rarely see a vegatable. This is not okay.

still commited.

I still haven't weighed in this month and I am starting to feel some real anxiety about it. I'm not eating well and I am not doing much in the form of exercise. I am hoping that the damage isn't too bad. I think I am going to start counting my calories again if only to be concious of what I am eating. I bought horrible groceries this week, total junk. I should know better. I am not even enjoying it. I feel so dumb because I know better but chose to eat poorly.

I have made it 23 days without weighing in. I do feel like I have proven my commitment however I am not so sure it is in the best interest not to weigh in. 8 more days.

I really want to start eating more cleanly but I am just not sure how to do that on such a tight budget. Small changes I suppose.

Gotta know

I really want to weigh in but I won't. I am feeling quite huge to be honest. I have been feeling really out of control lately, not food wise, but in general. We are living in our first house, heading into our first winter and there is a lot of stress not knowing how much heat is going to cost. My substitute teaching job is uncertain, I don't get a set amount of hours.

SO far I have been working pretty consistantly and I am thankful for that. I have applied to several evening/part time jobs that I could work in addition but no call backs yet. I think that my year off for the internship is hurting my chances, not to mention that I have a lot of education, meaning they know I am not sticking around. I find myself dumbing down my resume to try and get something. Ahh the uncertainty, it is getting to me.

And now

Well now I am doing okay. I am still getting up relativly early and definitely earlier than I was. I haven't weighed in so I am sticking to that goal. I worked 4 days last week so I was pretty busy and my house is a mess. It is a 3 day weekend, and I have already booked 3 sub days for next week.

Friday I am working a full day and then jumping in the car to drive to Portland, which is about 3 hours away. I am getting to see my bff who is up visiting from Florida for the night. We are planning a night out, loads of margaritas I'm sure. I also have a baby shower on Saturday afternoon which I will hit on my way back home.

I am feeling really uncomfortable in my body lately and I am nervous about dressing to go out Friday night. My jeans are just not fitting well, muffintop city. Well I guess I have a week to do some damage control. I've seen a lot of pictures of myself lately that have really made me feel super disapointed. It is amazing how you can think you look good or okay but then a picture shows your real size and it is really a shock. I am starting to feel constant worry that people will ask if I am pregnant, I hate the way I carry my weight. It just makes me feel on edge, I feel nervous going places that I know I will see a lot of new people because they may assume I am pregnant. It really is a body type curse, yes I am lucky to have thinner limbs but I have to worry about this.

Okay whinning over, whats the plan? Unfortunatly I don't know.

early riser

Well I subbed today and booked another sub job for tomorrow. So I guess I will be up early again! I will be working with the same students again tomorrow which is always nice. I am working as an ed tech with a couple of mildly autistic children. It is really challenging and exhausting but not too bad. I really need to make one change though...but it is really causing me some anxiety. I need to take the step and eat in the teacher's room. Ahh I hate the teacher's room, but I need to make as many contacts as possible. We will see if I make it tomorrow.

Up!

Just checking in again, got a sub call this morning (6:15am) so I am up. Boy is it cold this morning, 59 degrees IN the house, 38 outside brrrr. I got right out of bed and threw on sweats so it wasn't too much of a shock ; )

I am very glad for the extra day of work/pay but geez Mondays! I feel like Garfield. I am feeling okay being up early this morning, I went to be early last night around 9, asleep around 10. My first thought when the phone rang this morning was F!*K but really its not so bad. I had waking up early but once I am out of bed I am fine.

Well off to get ready for the day. Have a good one!

early start

Up at 8 am on a Sunday...just saying ; )

Commitment issues for sure

so yesterday I got up early and went to work. SO day one went well. Today, not so much. I was up at 9. So I guess I will say today didn't work so well. I am not giving up and I will be trying to keep getting up earlier especially on weekdays.

Since getting up early isn't really a locked in same time everyday goal I am going to add another month long goal. Weighing in. I will not weigh in again until November and just focus on being healthier. I weighed in this morning at 187.2. So we will see what I can do by November.

Decisions

So I have decided that my October goal is to get up early everyday. I have settled on 6 am, So I will work up to it. My plan is to start out the first 3 days at 6:30 and then go to 6 am.

As some of you might remember I am currently a substitute teacher which means most days I have no idea if I will work or not. I get a phone call at 6:30 to find out if I work that day. Luckily the main school I am working at is a 7 minute drive away. The way things have gone is that I wake up at six anticipating the call anyways waiting to see if I go into work or back to sleep. That is a half an hour of stress in the morning that I will be avoiding by already being up at 6 and starting my day.

Of course the biggest struggles will be the weekends and the fact that it will be cold and dark in the mornings now. In the end I think this will be beneficial to me in many ways. I will have a less stressful start to my day, eat a good breakfast, and have extra time to get things done, and maybe even work out. Plus we will have kids in the future and I might as well be used to early mornings!

I m challenging myself to stick this out for a month. Sure there will probably be some days that I fail but overall I want to make this a life habit. I think a month is a good trial to see if it is for me. If at the end of the month I decide I am just not an early riser the I will stop. The real challenge is not getting up early but rather sticking to the commitment of getting up early for a month.

commitment issues

I am a lazy beast. I make plans, I break them. I come up with amazing health schemes and give up. I'm not sure where I lose my motivation, I see success and it gets hard and I give up. I expect it to be easy. I expect to just catch on and love it. I end up constantly failing myself. I want my pants to fit, I want to look good in candid photos, and I want to find a love for activity. I want to live my life. I want to commit to something and succeed.

I am so sick of the lose gain roller-coaster, its ridiculous.

If I looked at someone that was doing the same thing I am I would say snap (or slap out of it) out of it and just do it, stop making excuses, everything doesn't have to be fun.

Some things that that I want to do are
-get up early (6am) daily
-learn to run (I keep giving up)
-do a full 30 day shred

Yes these are things that will help result in some weight loss and yes losing weight is important to me but its not really on the list. These are things that require commitment. I need to learn to follow through. SO this leaves me with a whiny post and a list of things I have failed to do. I can hit post and forget about it and continue to deny what needs to be done. I need to not do that. I need to make a choice and decide which of these items I will commit to for the month of October.

Tomorrow I will start, I will let you know which I chose!

Break ups are hard

Its over. I'm a little heart broken and feeling quite lost. Yes it is true Diet Coke and I are over. I officially broke up with my main vice. As of today no more diet coke. Cold turkey. We will see how this goes. I know I am going to feel some serious pain for the next week or so. Headaches will rule my life for a while. I hate caffeine withdrawals they suck. I am going to pick up some lemons to help me flavor my water.

I have given up DC before very successfully but started up again wanting that 0 calorie enjoyment. I will give it my best.

My fear

A fear that I have about losing weight is that I am planning on getting pregnant in the next year or 2. I know it seems silly but I feel like I will just gain it all back. Whats the point? I realize that that is not necessarily correct. I could lose 50lbs and gain only 20 with the pregnancy. I could gain mostly baby not all fat like it is now.

I really want to experience being a cute pregnant woman with a nice round belly. I want to be able show off my belly. I want to introduce my child into a healthy home. I have no fear that I will teach my child to eat well but I do fear that I won't be able to model it for them.

Maybe my main concern isn't weigh but rather living a healthy lifestyle. I struggle with finding healthy foods I actually like. I just wish I had a way to make myself love veggies.

I wish I had insurance so I could see a therapist. I have a lot of issues that need working out. I know that my issue is psychological but I just can't seem to work it out myself. I keep trying, its the curse of my psych degree. But this post has helped, I know that I need to be a healthier person with healthier habits before I bring another human into this world.

I have a confession..

I don't drink my water, not even a little bit. I used to be pretty good about getting 40ish oz a day. Now I drink diet coke, maybe a little milk, and well thats it. I'm not sure how I got to this point of not drinking any water but it is most definitely not ok. When I do focus on drinking water i usually feel like I have to chug it down, then I get really bad heartburn and usually it is at night which leads to other problems.

I know I need to change this habit. I tend to lean towards all or nothing so my firs thought is "ok, I will quite drinking diet coke" which in itself is not a horrible idea but I love it. It is my zero calorie escape. It is my source of caffeine, because coffee (with creamer) has calories but not my lovely dc. It is so addictive, I get the worst headaches without it. Yes, in the past, I have given it up but I always come back to it. It is my only vice. I don't smoke, do drugs, or even drink (maybe once a month). Well carbs and diet coke.

I need to focus on moderation. I need to get my water in for sure. I think I should fill a gallon of water, put it in my fridge and then everyday I will see just how far I make it through that gallon. Make it a game.

frazzle not dazzle

I am feeling a little lost again. Money is tight and I am not getting any interviews. I need a job and really soon. I have applied to several schools to sub and a handful of other part time jobs. Everything feels so uncertain and I am getting a little worried because I need to be able to pay for fuel to heat the house. If something doesn't happen soon it is going to be a cold Maine winter in my house. I hate feeling not in control.

Food wise I have no been counting my calories, lucky for me we don't have much left for food. Groceries on Thursday since it is my husband's payday. I've got to do better planning for healthy low cost meals for this week. I've really got to think about it. It can be really tough but I know it can be done.

I wish I could make the connection that I can be in control of my diet. When I feel a lack of control I wish I could think about that. Instead I stop caring about everything, including my diet and exercise. I lose focus and basically just get through my days. It never fails to amaze me how quickly you can go from totally motivated to coasting to gaining.


*I used the term diet meaning what I eat not a specific diet plan.

to weigh or not to weigh

How do people go for a month with out weighing in? I can’t imagine. I struggle not to weigh in mid week. I’m not saying that it wouldn’t be a good thing for me to go without the scale for a month but even two weeks freaks me out. I feel like I need that push of feeling good about losing that pound or the freak out of not losing. Although I will also be the first to admit that there have been times that seeing a gain or no loss has completely sent me into a binge whirlwind. So yes I have been thinking of taking a 2 week weigh in break from the scale. But I’m not sure, it seriously makes me uneasy. At this point I will weigh in on Sunday as planned especially since I had such a fluke weigh in last Sunday.

I have decided to try to kick up my workouts this week. I am going to kick this laziness that has taken me over. I have a confession…..I sleep in ….everyday….until 10:30.
As you may know I am unemployed, not by choice. I am looking for a job and send out my resume and interviewing but nothing is catching. I am applying for minimum wage jobs that do not use my degree and I think I am getting refused because they know I won’t be there to stay long. School is in and I cannot imagine I will get a teaching job at this point for the year. If I don’t get a job soon I assume I will have to try to be a full time substitute teacher. I wouldn’t mind that however it is not a dependable paycheck.
Ok that was a little sidetracked but what I really want to say is that I am going to start waking up at a reasonable hour, using an alarm clock and everything haha. I want to get in a morning workout and an evening workout. I have been getting in a workout in the evenings but I think it will be good for me to have something that I need to complete in the mornings. Plus it is more calories burned which is great. SO that’s my plan for change.

Weigh in

Well this morning was a seriously disappointing weigh in. I weighed in with almost a 2lb gain. I'm not really sure whats up with that so I am going to try weighing in tomorrow since I have felt a little bloated lately. At first I really felt upset but then I realized that I have been making good choices (with the exception of the trip out of town) and now I need to stay on track. So I ate breakfast and tracked and here we go.