You may have noticed....

that I cannot seem to get myself together. I am on the gain. I struck in at 187 yesterday. I am feeling really ashamed and sad. I have no excuse for this. I don't even have a job or classes, which is part of the problem. I have no reason to get up and move around.

I am eating pretty normally not super high calorie foods but I am gaining rapidly. So rapidly in fact that I had to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't pregnant. My stomach has pushed out at the top under my breasts in a way that really freaked me out. Test was negative. I am just fat. It makes you realize how much you move around in a typical work day.

Nothing fits, I am back in my old clothes that were too big before and now they are snug. I used to feel like I was more average but now I am feeling like the big girl again. 187 on and 5'1 girl is not healthy. It is far too big, I don't like how I feel and look. It is making me very unhappy.

I realize this sounds like a wah wah wah post but I am not looking for poor me comments. I just felt the need to be honest with you. I am feeling broken right now. Money is tight and that makes me feel guilty for buying produce, we are getting by with a lot of boxed foods right now.

I'm sorry if this is a downer post. I'm sorry I cannot be motivating to you. All I can be is honest. I don't understand how I got back here, how I let myself gain it all back again. I thought I would never be in the 180's again but here I am steam rolling back into the 190's if I don't do something. I was so happy when I hit 173, I felt so good about myself. I want to get back there, I will get back there, I must.

I make plans, I ignore them. Maybe I don't want it badly enough. For the record I am still reading blogs everyday. I am still living vicariously through all of your successes. Now I need to live through my own success.

So here I am counting points. I am the MOH in a wedding on Saturday so that will be my first challenge, getting through a wedding weekend. I am getting my head back in the game. I can do this, I have done it before. I will not give up, when I have make a poor choice I will track and move on. no more all or nothing. I will start by tracking everything.

Writing diet.

I am going to start the writing diet (by Julia Cameron) tomorrow, obviously along side the usual weight watchers points.

The basic idea from what I see (I have only started reading the book, it is step by step) is that you are working in emotional eating. The start is that you do writing in the morning that is thoughts. Flowing words with no focus on punctuation or creating a story. It is a way to just get out all the ideas in your head.

I have had the book for a few months and at the time I got it I was in school and doing my internship and getting up 30 minutes early in the morning to write just wasn't justifiable to me. I needed the sleep more. Now that I am jobless until the move I think I can swing it. I have also been really slacking at getting up in the morning. I have been sleeping in until 10 everyday. I cannot believe I just admitted that. I am going to nip that tomorrow also. I will be up at 8.

I am a big time emotional/boredom eater so I am hoping that the writing diet will help with that. I am also dealing with a lot of different feelings right now. I am jobless and out of school which is a new thing for me. We are in the process of buying our first home and moving 3 hours away. I cannot therefore get a job until we are moved. We are really strapped for money right now due to saving for our house and my lack of employment. I have things to do though. I could be packing and cleaning. I could take my dog to the beach or park.

Instead of doing those things I am waking up late, watching tv until dinner time and the making dinner. Then tv and bed. What a waste. Things have got to change. I am starting with getting up earlier and writing. I also have a job interview on Monday for a daycare in the new town. It would be a good job until I find a teaching job. I miss working with the kids already!

Well I will write again soon, I hope you are all doing much better than me!