You may have noticed....

that I cannot seem to get myself together. I am on the gain. I struck in at 187 yesterday. I am feeling really ashamed and sad. I have no excuse for this. I don't even have a job or classes, which is part of the problem. I have no reason to get up and move around.

I am eating pretty normally not super high calorie foods but I am gaining rapidly. So rapidly in fact that I had to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't pregnant. My stomach has pushed out at the top under my breasts in a way that really freaked me out. Test was negative. I am just fat. It makes you realize how much you move around in a typical work day.

Nothing fits, I am back in my old clothes that were too big before and now they are snug. I used to feel like I was more average but now I am feeling like the big girl again. 187 on and 5'1 girl is not healthy. It is far too big, I don't like how I feel and look. It is making me very unhappy.

I realize this sounds like a wah wah wah post but I am not looking for poor me comments. I just felt the need to be honest with you. I am feeling broken right now. Money is tight and that makes me feel guilty for buying produce, we are getting by with a lot of boxed foods right now.

I'm sorry if this is a downer post. I'm sorry I cannot be motivating to you. All I can be is honest. I don't understand how I got back here, how I let myself gain it all back again. I thought I would never be in the 180's again but here I am steam rolling back into the 190's if I don't do something. I was so happy when I hit 173, I felt so good about myself. I want to get back there, I will get back there, I must.

I make plans, I ignore them. Maybe I don't want it badly enough. For the record I am still reading blogs everyday. I am still living vicariously through all of your successes. Now I need to live through my own success.

So here I am counting points. I am the MOH in a wedding on Saturday so that will be my first challenge, getting through a wedding weekend. I am getting my head back in the game. I can do this, I have done it before. I will not give up, when I have make a poor choice I will track and move on. no more all or nothing. I will start by tracking everything.