2011

I have so many goals and just basic things I want to accomplish this year. Few are actually weight related which makes me happy. My long term goals will not be about losing weight, that is really short term material. Saying I want to lose 50lbs this year is not reasonable, saying I will track for a week is.

So although this is a weight loss blog I want to put some of the more life centered goals out there too. - I want to get my house more finished, I am tired of feeling pulled down by all of the house to dos. This spring we will pull down all of the cracked plasterboard upstairs and reinsulate, redrywall, and put down new carpet. We will restructure our stairs so that they are not so steep and shallow.

Now in connection to the house changes, we are going to be preparing for another big change. We are planning on getting pregnant this summer. Well I am getting pregnant lol. Hopefully we will be successful this summer! If all works out right, I will have my 3 months family medical leave (unpaid) and the summer off with a new baby. But I know that things don't always go as planned but I can hope.

I really would like to get healthy before I get pregnant though I know that it will only help me out! So I have 2 more month of weight watchers online to get me going. Running has been put on hold through the holidays but I am going to get back on the horse this week. If not today then tomorrow. I am not feeling great this morning so we will see how I feel this afternoon.

So confusing, a holiday of loss.

A .5 lb loss that is. I don't know how it is possible but I lost weight over Christmas. What make this more confusing is that I did not track, exercise, or eat well. I know I should be happy and just move on but this bothers me because in a tracking week I lose the same. Does it mean that I am not eating enough fat in my regular diet or that I need to eat all of my weekly points? Does it mean that running is making we weigh in more for some reason? Am I eating too much fruit? Yeah that one really worries me.

Who knows for now I am just trying to get on track and count points. I am thinking that having one high point day a week is probably a good idea for my metabolism, just to keep out of a rut. I am trying to get back in the swing of things. Wish me luck!

Fix it Quick!

I can feel my motivation slipping and many things are playing into it. Firstly, I am home on school break and that kills my eating patterns. Secondly, I only lost 1/2 lb this week when I thought it was going to be more. Thirdly Christmas is around the corner and that means food, food, food. I have been half ass tracking. You know that tracking where you say ok I used about 33 points and so you post food, 33 points. Not itemizing like you are supposed to. Its actually kind of funny since I have more spare time to track since I am not working. At one point I thought "well I will just not do ww this week and get back on track next week. Not a good idea.

So I need to address my issues now before I lose it. SO Firstly, I need to set an eating schedule in my day. I will eat breakfast when I get up, Lunch at 12 and dinner. My plan is to try to stick to fruit as snacks as much as possible. Secondly, I will focus on how I feel not how much I lost. Thirdly, I will focus on tracking each food and not doing bulk numbers. Fourthly, I will keep up with my running schedule.

I will say I had success at the grocery store yesterday. I really wanted to buy come potato chips and reached for them multiple times but then I put them back. You see, I know that if they are not in my house then I cannot eat them and if they are in my house then I will absolutely eat them. Instead I bought some delicious oranges.

I also make cookies last night. It is a recipe that I love for pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. They are 2 points according to the recipe builder. I decided to try a new substitution and traded the 1/2 cup of oil for a 1/2 cup of unsweetened applesauce. They turned out GREAT! It dropped the points to 1 per cookies, a points+ steal!

I have also really made an attempt to clean up/organize the house. It makes a huge difference in my stress level, having a clean house. Plans for the rest of the day include picking up the ingredients for my famous pulled pork and coleslaw that I am bringing to the family Christmas party, finish laundry, and run. WIsh me luck!

Baby loss

I only lost .2 this week which was a big surprise for me since I had 13 weekly and 11 activity left over. I spent my week dodging treats and choosing fruit but all I got was a .2 loss. What a bummer. I find that after I run I have a little bit of water retention and I ran yesterday. I am hoping to see a better loss next week. I am not going to lie I am a little disappointed since I really counted and weighed my foods.

This week is Christmas, full of celebrations and food. I am not freaking out because really it is just one day mainly that I need to worry about. Since I had a small loss this week I was hoping for a bigger loss next week but the more I think about it I realize a true goal would be to maintain. I am going to enjoy some food and keep my goal in mind. Lucky for me I don't drink much. I do have a dinner on Tuesday with my best friend who is up from Florida and her little sister who just turned 21.

So I hope you all enjoy your holiday and here is to maintaining.

wk2 run2

Week 2 run 2 of couch to 5k is done today. I always fight myself to run but once I start I love it. It is so challenging. I just love the way I feel when I am finished a running interval. Strong. But it has been a very long day so now I am exhausted and ready for bed!

Great day

I spent my morning getting family pictures done with my husband's side of the family. It was our first group picture together. It was his brother's family (wife and 2 boys) and his sister's family (fiancee and baby girl), my husband and I. The kiddos are really little so it was quite an ordeal to get smiles and no blinking eyes. In the end we got a pretty good shot of the group and one of each family to put in a frame for my inlaws as a Christmas present.

I had a great day today food/exercise wise. I ate within my points and did my run 1 week 2 of couch to 5k. It was a challenge but I think I can do it this time. I really didn't want to run, I was feeling really exhausted. I decided to get my running clothes on, even my sneakers and see if it would motivate me to just do it. And it worked. It is so funny that once you get dressed and moving it is easy to decide to keep going.

It is the week before Christmas break for our school. So it should be 5 days of hell lol. Kids will be crazy and out of sorts, especially since I work in the special education room. Change is really hard for my students. Wish me luck!

Sticking with it.

So I officially decided to stick with weight watchers online. I signed up for the 3 month online package. My husband said he was okay with budgeting it in as long as I will use it, so use it I must!

to pay or not to pay

I am feeling really torn today. Weight watchers is working for me again, first week (actually 5days) loss 2 lbs. I am feeling good. Now my free trial is up today and I have to decide if I should pay the $65 for 3 months, $17.95 each month after. The $17.95 doesn't bother me it is the start up fee that does. I mean we have to be tight with our money and $65 upfront is a lot right now. I know I could just follow the plan on my own but that never works for me. For some reason having to log into the website works for me.

My other worry is that I have always lost that desire to do ww after a month or so. Then it is wasted money. I have spent so much on ww in the past, it kills me. I hate that I feel the need to pay for something I could in theory do on my own. But then I think if it will work then I should keep it up, right? Nothing else seemed to be working before this. I just do not want to lose momentum.

Oh and did I mention that the school forgot to send in my time sheets? yeah no pay check for me yesterday and since it was Friday there was nothing they could do until Monday.

Well I will let you know what I decide, I really do like the new ww plan though!

0points

I am really understanding the science behind the 0 point fruits in the new weight watchers plan. I have never been a big fan or carrots or celery or really any on the old 0 point foods from the previous plans as far as snacking goes. I never thought mmm cut up bell peppers, nope. But now that apples and oranges are 0 points I find myself thinking to grab them more often. In those moments of snacking hunger I choose the zero point fruit becuase it is "free" as opposed to before when it cost me a point and I could eat something else for that point like a mini peppermint pattie or a blowpop.

I am liking it. I am liking the new plan so far. My free trial week is up tomorrow and I cannot decide if I should pay for it. Even the online costs are high the first months with the sign up fee. I wish I knew when the next free sign up was, then maybe I could wait it out. Anyone have an inside tips on when that is happening again?

I did it again

I got quite a workout today. I did two 1/2 hour bouts of shoveling snow and ice off of my driveway AND I ran run2 week 1 of couch to 5k. SO far soo good! I do really love running, yes it is really hard but man it feels good. You feel the workout all over your body. It is so nice to be able to hop on the treadmill and not worry about bothering the neighbors downstairs! Now that we have a hours it is not a problem!!


One problem I am having is that I am drinking more water and getting really bad heartburn! Ah I hate it. DOes anyone else get heartburn from water?

Eating is going well, so far the only real difference I see is that I am more apt to eat my fruit since it is zero points. I also think that since we are being more frugal and not eating out that weight watchers/eating better is a little easier. It really is just about keeping a balance in what I eat and keeping track of what I eat.

I just found out that we are doing a surprise family picture as a gift to my inlaws on Sunday. I don't know about you but I find that the first place I gain and lose weight is in my face. So I am really trying to eat well and stay focused so that my face can look as trim as possible in the pictures! Wish me luck!!

I did something

I ran tonight for the first time in probably a year. Well I walked/ran week 1 of couch to 5k. Feeling good.

Backtracking

I just went back and reread old post from when I was losing weight and running and I came acrossed this post Does it look familiar. Yes I just made the same goal (lose 10lbs by Christmas) Guess what I didn't make it then and I prob won't make it this year either. Number goals never work for me! Too much pressure and focus on a certain number!

I did however get a little bit of motivation and desire to run again. I did so well last year I need to get back there! Also I signed up for a 7 day trial of the new weight watchers program so I can see if it is for me. I'll let you know what I think.

New strategy

Somedays I just wish someone would just look at me and say "get on the treadmill fatass!" No I am not a negative self talker, I actually love myself a lot even though I know I am very overweight. SOmetimes I look in the mirror with a well stratagized outfit and think "hey I'm not even that big" but it is all lights and mirrors. I am big, I see it in photos, wrong angles, and the muffin top billowing over my pants. I am overweight that is a fact, well obese according to the BMI charts.

In the past I have made tons of goals, most that I bailed on but some that I stayed with. I usually made big goals that were really hard to obtain, others I simply forgot to do. I think that the times they worked I had only 1 goal or maybe two tops that allowed me to focus.

I get overwhelmed very easily by my surroundings, when my homes is disorganized I feel a constant state of low level anxiety and I just cannot relax. Unfortunately, I am not a big cleaner, I hate it actually. I really am a lazy creature. The first step in turning things around will be cleaning up the house, organizing, decluttering, and maintaining. So I am turning off my computer and making a cleaning list. Laundry is already started and my bedroom will be the first room on the list.

Perhaps I just need to declutter my head in order to focus on my weightloss. Well it is worth a try!

Trying to stop whining.

I have realized that I tend to avoid blogging because I hate writing whiny, self pity posts. But lately thats all I have been feeling and thinking. I am mad at myself. So I am trying to get to a place where I can be more positive. Trying trying trying.

Hopefully I will be there soon.

feeling sad.

I feel like I am letting myself down. I keep waiting for something to motivate me, something to change the way I think and feel. I feel so unhappy with myself, constantly uncomfortable in my body. I hate that. I just want to go back to a time when I felt okay getting dressed instead of feeling defeated and thinking " its as good as it is going to get". Nothing fits, it is all about damage control and hiding. I want to feel good in my body, not constantly wanting to hide.

The hiding of my body goes hand in hand with the feeling of depression that is creeping up on me. I could blame the weather, lack of light, missing my friends but truthfully it all stems from my discomfort in my body. I constantly fear someone will ask if I am pregnant from the way my stomach protrudes. I feel lazy and lackluster. I feel sad.

I know what to do but how d I convince myself to do it? How do I get moving? Isn't that the eternal question of the chronic weight loss failure? Yes I feel like a failure. I have no excuse not to change.

I literally dream of being runner. I've tried in the past, I've promised to start again, but I always give up. I usually get to the 3 minute runs in the couch to 5k program and somehow it all drops off, I give up. I want to try again but maybe I am afraid to fail again. HOw do I break through?

Deal

So I presented an idea to my husband tonight, well not an idea but more of a deal. Let me prefence this with the fact that I have no shopped for clothing in months, like 6 or 7 months. We bought a house and I was unemployed which meant we were on a very very tight budget. I have been getting the shopping itch.

Maybe it is because I have gained weight and nothing fits, or maybe it is just because I am sick of wearing the same things all the time. Maybe I just watch too much what not to wear.

Anyways I have been lacking any motivation to stick to a healthy eating plan. I thought about rejoining weight watchers but lets be honest, it is not cheap. For all of you who will tell me it is worth it, yes I know and agree. Heading into winter I know I won't want to get bundled up and go to meetings on icy roads. The nearest meeting is 20 minutes away. Right now it isn't the best choice for me. So I made a plan.

My husband has agreed that for every 10 lbs I lose I get a shopping spree. I get to spend $100, without guilt, on myself. I realize for a lot of you thats not much money but for me it is. It is just the boost I need and the rough equivalent of 2 months of weight watchers. It.is.on.

When I brought up the plan my husband said "seems like a bad idea with thanksgiving coming up" I shocked myself with a quick reply of "It's only one day" I guess I have learned soemthing all these years of dieting haha.

So here it is I weighed in this morning at 191, I plan to bust my butt and hit 181 by Christmas.

SO sick

I have the flu. Started on Wednesday and I am now just feeling human again but still sick. We had the day off on Thursday and I spent it in bed with a fever. I headed to school on Thursday still sick and slightly feverish because I didn't want to call out since I knew there was already a lot of people out. I made it into the special ed room and the head teacher basically told me to go home. SO I came home and spend the day in bed. Yesterday was slightly better I was up and about and today I still feel crappy but no fever, so it is back to school tomorrow.

Well Hello there.

Hello dear loyal remaining followers! I am glad to see that most of you are still around, even though I haven't been. I appreciate you! I have been keeping up on reading blogs, every single day but post has been tough. NOt because I didn't have time but rather because I knew I wasn't taking care of myself.

I know that I need to snap back into action. I am feeling uncomfortable in all of my clothing. I am constantly aware of how my stomach is sticking out, constantly fearing that someone will mistake me as being pregnant. In turn I don't want to go out or socialize because I might meet new people who may ask if I am pregnant, embarassing me in front of others. Sometimes I just wish I looked fat, but my body type makes me look pregnant. I don't really care if people think I am overweight because I am.

The true irony is is that I wish I was pregnant, starting a family but we aren't there yet financially. I am aware that I am getting to an age they people feel that they can say that I better hurry up and have kids. Like I don't know that I am approaching 30 years old, I know we are the only/oldest in my husband's family with out kids. I know we will be good parents but just not quite yet. I know timing will never be right but I need a job and I need health insurance but they just don't seem to understand that fact.

SO the point of this post is not to complain but rather to set forth a plan for change. I don't have a huge plan or set of steps. Instead I am making small changes. I will start logging my calories, today, right now. I will be active this week when I get home from school, starting with walking.

Thats how I am going to start this up. No big plan for me to fail but rather simple steps to a healthier me. I just keep thinking about how happy and content I was at 174lbs. No it isn't the perfect weight for me but I felt really good. I want to get back to that place where I felt good about my body, loved shopping/trying on clothes, and was confident.

This is a long post with a promise to try. I will be posting more and I hope you all can understand my absences.

I made it!

So I lasted a whole month without weighing in. The result 189.4 lbs for all the junk I ate I am actually pleasantly surprised. It makes me wonder how it would have turned out if I had actually tried. An expiriment for another time.

So what is next? Still not sure.

looking up

Well things are looking up, I just booked a long term sub job (3 weeks) and found out that the teacher is leaving so there will be a job opening. Oh I can only dream!! I am dying to have my own classroom. I am trying to not get my hopes up because I am sure that there will be a ton of applicants. It is such a great school, I love it.

I am so glad to have confirmed 3 weeks of work!

I feel....ew.

I'm feeling really crappy, constantly exhausted. I hate it but i know it is because I haven't been taking care of myself. I should be eating better and I need to get some activity in. I spend too many hours on the couch. It is amazing how little I actually move when I am not working. I suppose then it isn't surprising that I feel like the walking dead at the end of a day of teaching. I drink diet coke, coffee, and No water. I eat out of a box and rarely see a vegatable. This is not okay.

still commited.

I still haven't weighed in this month and I am starting to feel some real anxiety about it. I'm not eating well and I am not doing much in the form of exercise. I am hoping that the damage isn't too bad. I think I am going to start counting my calories again if only to be concious of what I am eating. I bought horrible groceries this week, total junk. I should know better. I am not even enjoying it. I feel so dumb because I know better but chose to eat poorly.

I have made it 23 days without weighing in. I do feel like I have proven my commitment however I am not so sure it is in the best interest not to weigh in. 8 more days.

I really want to start eating more cleanly but I am just not sure how to do that on such a tight budget. Small changes I suppose.

Gotta know

I really want to weigh in but I won't. I am feeling quite huge to be honest. I have been feeling really out of control lately, not food wise, but in general. We are living in our first house, heading into our first winter and there is a lot of stress not knowing how much heat is going to cost. My substitute teaching job is uncertain, I don't get a set amount of hours.

SO far I have been working pretty consistantly and I am thankful for that. I have applied to several evening/part time jobs that I could work in addition but no call backs yet. I think that my year off for the internship is hurting my chances, not to mention that I have a lot of education, meaning they know I am not sticking around. I find myself dumbing down my resume to try and get something. Ahh the uncertainty, it is getting to me.

And now

Well now I am doing okay. I am still getting up relativly early and definitely earlier than I was. I haven't weighed in so I am sticking to that goal. I worked 4 days last week so I was pretty busy and my house is a mess. It is a 3 day weekend, and I have already booked 3 sub days for next week.

Friday I am working a full day and then jumping in the car to drive to Portland, which is about 3 hours away. I am getting to see my bff who is up visiting from Florida for the night. We are planning a night out, loads of margaritas I'm sure. I also have a baby shower on Saturday afternoon which I will hit on my way back home.

I am feeling really uncomfortable in my body lately and I am nervous about dressing to go out Friday night. My jeans are just not fitting well, muffintop city. Well I guess I have a week to do some damage control. I've seen a lot of pictures of myself lately that have really made me feel super disapointed. It is amazing how you can think you look good or okay but then a picture shows your real size and it is really a shock. I am starting to feel constant worry that people will ask if I am pregnant, I hate the way I carry my weight. It just makes me feel on edge, I feel nervous going places that I know I will see a lot of new people because they may assume I am pregnant. It really is a body type curse, yes I am lucky to have thinner limbs but I have to worry about this.

Okay whinning over, whats the plan? Unfortunatly I don't know.

early riser

Well I subbed today and booked another sub job for tomorrow. So I guess I will be up early again! I will be working with the same students again tomorrow which is always nice. I am working as an ed tech with a couple of mildly autistic children. It is really challenging and exhausting but not too bad. I really need to make one change though...but it is really causing me some anxiety. I need to take the step and eat in the teacher's room. Ahh I hate the teacher's room, but I need to make as many contacts as possible. We will see if I make it tomorrow.

Up!

Just checking in again, got a sub call this morning (6:15am) so I am up. Boy is it cold this morning, 59 degrees IN the house, 38 outside brrrr. I got right out of bed and threw on sweats so it wasn't too much of a shock ; )

I am very glad for the extra day of work/pay but geez Mondays! I feel like Garfield. I am feeling okay being up early this morning, I went to be early last night around 9, asleep around 10. My first thought when the phone rang this morning was F!*K but really its not so bad. I had waking up early but once I am out of bed I am fine.

Well off to get ready for the day. Have a good one!

early start

Up at 8 am on a Sunday...just saying ; )

Commitment issues for sure

so yesterday I got up early and went to work. SO day one went well. Today, not so much. I was up at 9. So I guess I will say today didn't work so well. I am not giving up and I will be trying to keep getting up earlier especially on weekdays.

Since getting up early isn't really a locked in same time everyday goal I am going to add another month long goal. Weighing in. I will not weigh in again until November and just focus on being healthier. I weighed in this morning at 187.2. So we will see what I can do by November.

Decisions

So I have decided that my October goal is to get up early everyday. I have settled on 6 am, So I will work up to it. My plan is to start out the first 3 days at 6:30 and then go to 6 am.

As some of you might remember I am currently a substitute teacher which means most days I have no idea if I will work or not. I get a phone call at 6:30 to find out if I work that day. Luckily the main school I am working at is a 7 minute drive away. The way things have gone is that I wake up at six anticipating the call anyways waiting to see if I go into work or back to sleep. That is a half an hour of stress in the morning that I will be avoiding by already being up at 6 and starting my day.

Of course the biggest struggles will be the weekends and the fact that it will be cold and dark in the mornings now. In the end I think this will be beneficial to me in many ways. I will have a less stressful start to my day, eat a good breakfast, and have extra time to get things done, and maybe even work out. Plus we will have kids in the future and I might as well be used to early mornings!

I m challenging myself to stick this out for a month. Sure there will probably be some days that I fail but overall I want to make this a life habit. I think a month is a good trial to see if it is for me. If at the end of the month I decide I am just not an early riser the I will stop. The real challenge is not getting up early but rather sticking to the commitment of getting up early for a month.

commitment issues

I am a lazy beast. I make plans, I break them. I come up with amazing health schemes and give up. I'm not sure where I lose my motivation, I see success and it gets hard and I give up. I expect it to be easy. I expect to just catch on and love it. I end up constantly failing myself. I want my pants to fit, I want to look good in candid photos, and I want to find a love for activity. I want to live my life. I want to commit to something and succeed.

I am so sick of the lose gain roller-coaster, its ridiculous.

If I looked at someone that was doing the same thing I am I would say snap (or slap out of it) out of it and just do it, stop making excuses, everything doesn't have to be fun.

Some things that that I want to do are
-get up early (6am) daily
-learn to run (I keep giving up)
-do a full 30 day shred

Yes these are things that will help result in some weight loss and yes losing weight is important to me but its not really on the list. These are things that require commitment. I need to learn to follow through. SO this leaves me with a whiny post and a list of things I have failed to do. I can hit post and forget about it and continue to deny what needs to be done. I need to not do that. I need to make a choice and decide which of these items I will commit to for the month of October.

Tomorrow I will start, I will let you know which I chose!

Break ups are hard

Its over. I'm a little heart broken and feeling quite lost. Yes it is true Diet Coke and I are over. I officially broke up with my main vice. As of today no more diet coke. Cold turkey. We will see how this goes. I know I am going to feel some serious pain for the next week or so. Headaches will rule my life for a while. I hate caffeine withdrawals they suck. I am going to pick up some lemons to help me flavor my water.

I have given up DC before very successfully but started up again wanting that 0 calorie enjoyment. I will give it my best.

My fear

A fear that I have about losing weight is that I am planning on getting pregnant in the next year or 2. I know it seems silly but I feel like I will just gain it all back. Whats the point? I realize that that is not necessarily correct. I could lose 50lbs and gain only 20 with the pregnancy. I could gain mostly baby not all fat like it is now.

I really want to experience being a cute pregnant woman with a nice round belly. I want to be able show off my belly. I want to introduce my child into a healthy home. I have no fear that I will teach my child to eat well but I do fear that I won't be able to model it for them.

Maybe my main concern isn't weigh but rather living a healthy lifestyle. I struggle with finding healthy foods I actually like. I just wish I had a way to make myself love veggies.

I wish I had insurance so I could see a therapist. I have a lot of issues that need working out. I know that my issue is psychological but I just can't seem to work it out myself. I keep trying, its the curse of my psych degree. But this post has helped, I know that I need to be a healthier person with healthier habits before I bring another human into this world.

I have a confession..

I don't drink my water, not even a little bit. I used to be pretty good about getting 40ish oz a day. Now I drink diet coke, maybe a little milk, and well thats it. I'm not sure how I got to this point of not drinking any water but it is most definitely not ok. When I do focus on drinking water i usually feel like I have to chug it down, then I get really bad heartburn and usually it is at night which leads to other problems.

I know I need to change this habit. I tend to lean towards all or nothing so my firs thought is "ok, I will quite drinking diet coke" which in itself is not a horrible idea but I love it. It is my zero calorie escape. It is my source of caffeine, because coffee (with creamer) has calories but not my lovely dc. It is so addictive, I get the worst headaches without it. Yes, in the past, I have given it up but I always come back to it. It is my only vice. I don't smoke, do drugs, or even drink (maybe once a month). Well carbs and diet coke.

I need to focus on moderation. I need to get my water in for sure. I think I should fill a gallon of water, put it in my fridge and then everyday I will see just how far I make it through that gallon. Make it a game.

frazzle not dazzle

I am feeling a little lost again. Money is tight and I am not getting any interviews. I need a job and really soon. I have applied to several schools to sub and a handful of other part time jobs. Everything feels so uncertain and I am getting a little worried because I need to be able to pay for fuel to heat the house. If something doesn't happen soon it is going to be a cold Maine winter in my house. I hate feeling not in control.

Food wise I have no been counting my calories, lucky for me we don't have much left for food. Groceries on Thursday since it is my husband's payday. I've got to do better planning for healthy low cost meals for this week. I've really got to think about it. It can be really tough but I know it can be done.

I wish I could make the connection that I can be in control of my diet. When I feel a lack of control I wish I could think about that. Instead I stop caring about everything, including my diet and exercise. I lose focus and basically just get through my days. It never fails to amaze me how quickly you can go from totally motivated to coasting to gaining.


*I used the term diet meaning what I eat not a specific diet plan.

to weigh or not to weigh

How do people go for a month with out weighing in? I can’t imagine. I struggle not to weigh in mid week. I’m not saying that it wouldn’t be a good thing for me to go without the scale for a month but even two weeks freaks me out. I feel like I need that push of feeling good about losing that pound or the freak out of not losing. Although I will also be the first to admit that there have been times that seeing a gain or no loss has completely sent me into a binge whirlwind. So yes I have been thinking of taking a 2 week weigh in break from the scale. But I’m not sure, it seriously makes me uneasy. At this point I will weigh in on Sunday as planned especially since I had such a fluke weigh in last Sunday.

I have decided to try to kick up my workouts this week. I am going to kick this laziness that has taken me over. I have a confession…..I sleep in ….everyday….until 10:30.
As you may know I am unemployed, not by choice. I am looking for a job and send out my resume and interviewing but nothing is catching. I am applying for minimum wage jobs that do not use my degree and I think I am getting refused because they know I won’t be there to stay long. School is in and I cannot imagine I will get a teaching job at this point for the year. If I don’t get a job soon I assume I will have to try to be a full time substitute teacher. I wouldn’t mind that however it is not a dependable paycheck.
Ok that was a little sidetracked but what I really want to say is that I am going to start waking up at a reasonable hour, using an alarm clock and everything haha. I want to get in a morning workout and an evening workout. I have been getting in a workout in the evenings but I think it will be good for me to have something that I need to complete in the mornings. Plus it is more calories burned which is great. SO that’s my plan for change.

Weigh in

Well this morning was a seriously disappointing weigh in. I weighed in with almost a 2lb gain. I'm not really sure whats up with that so I am going to try weighing in tomorrow since I have felt a little bloated lately. At first I really felt upset but then I realized that I have been making good choices (with the exception of the trip out of town) and now I need to stay on track. So I ate breakfast and tracked and here we go.

Pancakes (yeah my titles aren't creative)

My husband made me pancakes this morning, I know how lucky am I? Well pretty lucky actually. My first thought was to check the calories in the mix and syrup while he was cooking to make sure I didn't go too overboard. What I saw suprised me a bit and I thought oh no if I eat these I will be screwed for the day. Okay that is the old Jess thinking. In reality I had two pancakes and an eighth of a cup of syrup and was perfectly happy. I didn't feel deprived or lacking in any way. I was not full either, so I think I did well. I ended up using under 350 calories for my pancakes and my coffee. That is pretty average for breakfast, I am considering this a WIN.

In other news this week has felt a little less in control. I went out of town and ate fast food due to a lack of money to go to a real dinner. I tried to not go overboard but with dollar menu it is easy to eat a lot of calories quickly. I am not letting one day get me down. Yesterday I didn't itemize my food I just added up the calories for the meal loosely and wrote it down. While I am glad I tracked I am seeing that it would be easy to underestimate calories that way. Yesterday I did get my activity in, I biked and played frisbee with the husband.

Today I will log everything I eat individually. I will get out and enjoy this fall like weather too!

Gardening.

Sometimes I think too much about what I want to blog about and then I have to go back and make sure I didn't actually post it. Most of the time I end up "posting things" in my head haha. You should really get in there and read some time ; )

Yesterday morning (okay I slept in it was like 10) my neighbor knocked on my door asking if I wanted her to help me clear out my lilac bush, there are a couple of sapplings that were growing in it. I said sure. Now I have to set this up, my neighbor is a master gardener and I just moved into a house that was uninhabited for 2 years, so the garden is more weeds than flowers. I know that there are flowers only because I have seen pictures. So I say yes of course and her husband comes over with the chainsaw. We clear out the lilac bush and I am feeling pretty happy. Then she says "I will be right back".

She comes back with her gardening gloves (a pair for me too) and we then proceed to weed the perimeter of my house where the garden is. So, 3 overflowing wheelbarrows of pulled weeds, 2 hours of labor, and 1 cleared out garden later we were done. I am really happy that it has been taken care of and I totally appreciate my neighbor helping me out. I would have had no idea what were flowers and what were weeds, and I certainly wouldn't have gotten it done in one day. I was wayyyy more productive than I could have ever expected for a Sunday morning.

Now this IS my weightloss blog not my home blog so there is a weight loss connection. I burned nearly 700 calories in those 2 hours of weeding....sweet! Now yesterday my hands hurt a little, this morning the back of my thighs are KILLING me! My hands are still a little sore and my lower back is tight but still totally worth it.

early weight

Well Tomorrow is my official weekly weigh in day but since I got my period this morning I decided to weigh in today in case I got the monthly bloat tomorrow. I am still going to weigh in tomorrow and see if the number is lower but as of today I weighed in at 187.6 so about a half a pound. Not earth shattering but since it has been so crazy hot this week I haven't been very active so I'm not shocked. I also tend to want to eat nonstop right before my period and I definitely had some serious chocolate cravings this week.

In other news I am chopping off my hair again. Ever since moving 3 hours away from my amazing hair dresser I have avoided cutting my hair out of fear and financial issues. It just seems really wasteful to drive that far lol. So my husband has a meeting in our previous town on Wednesday and I get to go with him and get my hair cut! I cannot wait! I am so sick of picking up long strand of hair all over the house, on my shoulder, in my cleavage. I had no idea I lost so much hair in a day.

Well I am going to curl up with a book, toss back some midol and relax on my porch.

breezy evening

Finally we are enjoying a little break from the heat this evening and I sure made the most of it! After being couped up the past couple days with the small exception of a couple super quick bike rides in the dark. I was really ready to get some activity in. The husband and I went for a good walk about 45 minutes after dinner. Once I assessed my calorie intake for the day I was really glad it was still light out because I added a 20 minute bike ride to that. That brought me to a comfy 650 calorie deficit for the day, allowing for a small snack tonight if I wish.

Now I am sitting my sweaty self down on my screened in front porch, windows open, enjoying the breezy evening. I will probably drag myself to the shower after this post and then resume my evening on the porch with my Stef Plum book.

Feeling hot hot hot.

It is HOT here. I live in Maine and I am not used to weeks of 90+ degree weather without ac. Its killing me! I keep wanting to go out and walk or ride my bike but it is just way too hot. I am sweating sitting on my couch under the fan, so I cannot imagine being out in the heat working. I really wish I could be outside. Sleeping has been pretty miserable too. I cannot sleep in a hot room and the fan just hasn't been cutting it.

Now that all my whining is out haha on to other things. My calories are pretty much in check.It sure can be tough when it is too hot hot workout, I like being able to add to my calories burned so that while I still have the 500 calorie deficit I can have a snack in the evening without any guilt. Oh well I am making it work.

My goal for the day is to get out of the house for a bit and find some ac. I need to hit the laundromat but it is totally not air conditioned so I may wait it out.

September Goals
~ Lose 5 lbs bringing me down to 183
~ get a job, any job that will enable me to pay for oil this winter will work at this point
~ Keep up with the evening walks with the Husband.

Simple and accomplishable.

Weigh in

Short post this morning. I am down 1.8 pounds! Yay! I love seeing my weight loss plan actually work when I stick to it. That brings me down to 188lbs.

triggers

Do you ever notice that eating at night,even a small snack leads to feeling super hungry? Last night I was kind of hungry and so I had a snack. After the snack I felt like I was starving, like all I wanted to do was to eat eat eat. It was awful, I felt like if I had never had that first snack then I would have been fine. I wasn't super hungry until after the first little snack. SO what does that mean to me? Well I guess I should just ignore those little hungers at night.

NSV

Oh I forgot a minor nonscale victory. Even though my calories were quite high the past couple days. I knew it was going to be that way, I just felt like I needed to eat more. So the victory is that even though I was about my target I still logged in every calorie. In the past I would have just said screw it, its not going ot be pretty so I dont want to see it. I knew that that is the way I usually lose track and stop tracking. SO although I knew my calories would be high I wrote down/logged it all. And in the end I know it kept me from giving up on calories counting. I woke up today and have been logging my calories.

The truth is for me that is a huge victory. I looked at my behavior and assessed the path I was heading down. I stopped myself before I sabotaged myself.

I won!

Some of you may have seen the awesome giveaway at fit this, girl I am one of the two lucky ducky winners of a Bondi Band!

It has been a really tough couple of weeks for us financially. I am feeling a little depressed since I am the one without at job in the household. I really needed a win, so I was pretty happy to see I won the giveaway.

Tomorrow I am driving a friend of mine to Portland about 2.5 hours away. She got in a car accident and needs to pick up her belongings from the car. I guess since I have no job it isn't so much a problem. However she promised to give me gas money and it is always a sticky situation with money and friends. The truth is I have to have my gas covered otherwise I am in trouble.

My calories have been a little high the past couple days but not over my daily calories burned. It has been very rainy so I haven't been able to get outside and walk or ride, so activity is definitely down. Tomorrow I will be in the car all day so I will probably be pretty low in the activity dept. On the plus side I have no money to eat out while I am there so no high cal lunch. On the down side the one stop we have for lunch will probably be dollar menu, which is mostly high cal. Well I will make the best choice I can and I will be packing some snacks for sure.

Well I am off to check on my baking sweet potato fries!

Birthday cakes

I went to a birthday party for my little cousin. Knowing that his mom made cupcakes I want to be prepared. I decided to get some activity in to allow me to feel comfortable indulging in a cupcake with no remorse. I knew that I had to get the activity in before th party otherwise it might now happen. So I went for a 2 mile walk before the party.

Once the cake was served I didn't even want any!! Can you believe it! haha. I knew I could have it but I just wasn't really hungry for it so I said no thanks. WIN.

Also I weighed in officially today and I was down 3lbs for the week, well actually I was only counting for about 4 days. I am pretty happy about it to say the least. So far my calories for the day are at 1222, which with activity is a deficit of about 800 calories. Good Day.

3 miles

Short post tonight, I managed to get the husband to go for a walk, he made it almost 2 miles and then I continued on for a third mile. Calories are in at 1166 today. I ate lots of veggies which kept my calorie count pretty low. I went to the farmers market this morning and picked up some deliciously fresh corn on the cob which we had with dinner.

I have a kiddie birthday party tomorrow at 3:30 so I am hoping to get some activity in before we go. The party is an hour away and my husband wants to visit his parents while we are in the area so time may be a squeeze. If I don't get some activity in before then no cake for me!

daily update

Today was a good day. I had a calorie deficit of 682 calories, Yay. No worries I ate over my goal amount of calories but I got lots of exercise. I took a 2 mile bike ride and headed home since my quads were really sore from all the riding yesterday. So since I cut my riding short I decided to go for a walk afterwards. So the husband, dog, and I walked a couple of fast miles. Overall I am very happy with my stats today.

In bike news I finally found the pressure gauge for my tires. Turns out that even though I had put air in after I got the bike that my tires were still quite under inflated (underflated? Deflated?) The info on the tires says do not inflate over 40lbs. I ended up putting in around 25lbs in and the tires feel much better. I rode a little bit in the driveway but it was getting dark out and I didn't want to go out on the road. So now that I put some more air in them and hopefully riding will be easier tomorrow. I also raised my seat some to hopefully the ride height. I think the fact it was so low was partially why my quads hurt so much. So I will see if that makes a difference.

It's going to be pretty warm again tomorrow, which is nice, but too warm during the day to ride. I have been waiting until after dinner to ride but that unfortunately leaves me with little time to ride. I am still feeling a little weird riding by myself. It probably doesn't help that I ride a pink cruiser..it draws a lot of attention. I love it but I dunno it is shaking my confidence a little while I am out. I don't think that it helps that I have to ride pretty slow since I am starting out. I spend a lot of time pushing through the discomfort in my quads (not pain) so sometimes I go pretty slow. I am hoping that it get easier soon.

So I think I have blabbed enough for one day!

Day 1 WIN

SO just to check in I rode just under 5 miles today. I took two shorter trips as planned. The first ride I aimed for 3 miles (2.71) and the second ride I just decided to go for fun before it got too dark. The second ride was about 2 miles(1.85). Not too shabby. It is still hard but I am trying to push through the pain. I keep telling myself that I cannot get better until I push through my comfort zone.

As far as calories I am at 1435 right now and I burned around 450. So as I said before I am aiming between 1300 and 1400 so I was a little bit over but with the bike rides I am ok. I just want to make sure that I am burning about 500 calories more than I am consuming through out the day.

In other news I have a job interview tomorrow, it is not a teaching job but it has benefits. It is a part time us cellular position which I am hoping will allow me to substitute teacher a couple days a week. It will at least allow us to have some more steady money coming in. I am thinking I will start applying for teaching jobs next year when I am feeling more secure financially and emotionally.

Well thats life for today.

1,2,3

I have chosen to try out calorie counter again. I kept my calories pretty reasonable I am aiming from 1300 to 1400. I am aiming to get in some movement everyday, mostly biking. I think this is more of a way to be more conscious of what I am eating. Instead of just grabbing a candy bar, I will try to think about if I even really want it.

I had a small realization today. It was 11:30am and I was trying to plan my day. SO I thought "ok whats for lunch.....wait I'm not even hungry!" I was just going through the motions. An hour later, I am still not hungry. I am still waiting to get hungry. I want to feel hunger again. I am tired of being afraid to feel hungry, feeling hungry it not going to kill me. I think I was always worried that I would be caught hungry and end up eating poorly because of circumstances.

I may get hungry, but I will survive lol

riding schedule

As I was reading my new copy of Weight Watcher's Magazine I was surprised to see a new weekly exercise installment based on biking. It has an 8 week plan to get you riding up to 36 miles straight. It's pretty intense. You ride 4 days a week, the first installment is 6 miles (30 minutes). Now I mentioned before that I have been doing short rides. It is tough, they have been typically 15-20 minutes I think and wow what a workout. I am not sure that 6 miles to start out is realistic for most newbies, even on flat terrain thats a lot.

I decided to check out how far my rides have been on Mapmyrun.com basically about 2 miles tops. I played around to see where I could ride the 6 miles. After checking it out I am thinking that I will actually start out with 2, 3 mile rides in a day 4 days out of the week. So I will count this as my first week,yesterday as being day1. I plan on riding today, Friday, and Saturday. Next week I will try to move on to 6 miles straight. I think it will basically turn the 8 week plan into a 9 week plan.. no big deal. Just customizing it to my needs ; )

So far I have not felt any muscle soreness the next day, which hopefully will continue. I am definitely getting my heart rate up even on these little rides. Yesterday I made a basket for my bike. I simply took a basket from the craft store ($3.50), sewed a liner ($3), and used zip ties to hook it to the bike. This basket will hold my water bottle and cell phone. It is a pretty small basket but I think it will work for me now. For some reason blogger isn't letting me upload the picture : (

Anonymity

Anonymous, am I making the right choice? Sometimes I wonder if choosing to be anonymous on my blog is simply another way of letting myself off the hook. Sure I don't really want the world to know my weight but on the other hand..they can SEE me. So what's the big deal. Perhaps I show my face and share my life. There is a possibility that no one from my life would find me anyways.

I am toying with the idea of putting it all out there. Holding myself truly accountable. My other concern is that I will start to censor myself. I my stop speaking from the heart because someone I know might see and laugh at me. I know that it is a seemingly juvenile fear, but it is real.

Are you anonymous? Do you share your life freely? Why did you choose your path?

Focus

As you may have noticed I have been really leaning towards climbing back onto the weight loss wagon. It seems very convenient that I got two healthy living magazines in the mail today! Weight Watchers and Women's Health. Both magazine that I really love. They are really going to be helpful in getting me into health mode. Yay.

In other news I finally bit the bullet and weighed myself this morning....not pretty. I weighed in at 192.8 lbs. Yikes. I really miss the 170's and to think I was so focused on getting to the 160's I never appreciated how far I come gone and how much better I felt at 170 something.

I want back to the 170's. I am ready to focus on my health.

The bike is here!

Love it!

I do have to say I forgot how hard riding is! What a great workout!!! I have gone out for a couple of very short rides. On my first ride out I totally wiped out and skinned both my knee and elbow. Sure it hurt but I think my pride was far more wounded! It turns out the tires were very under low on air so off I went to go get a tire pump. After that it was much better, no more falls so far.

My goal is to get out on the bike everyday, increasing my distance and conquering the hills on my street. I also plan to make a basket for the front of the bike. It is a one speed bike which I love and hate. I like the simplicity but I am not so sure about the foot brakes. I will update more tomorrow!

Tomorrow

I should get my bike tomorrow! It is scheduled to be delivered sometime tomorrow I am thinking probably in the evening. I am very excited in case you cannot tell ; ) I am going to try to remember to weigh in tomorrow morning. Honestly it has been a couple weeks since I remember weighing in. There is probably a reason for that...the number wasn't pretty. I hadn't hit 200 but it was scary close.

I am feeling pretty lousy in my body lately. My clothes aren't fitting and I am not confident in myself at all. My belly is just soo big and I hate it. I am in constant fear of strangers asking if I am pregnant. Its just how I carry my weight. I should be glad I don't gain in other places but instead I live in fear of the embarrassment of people asking if I am prego. Yes it has happened before, 5 times. Humiliating.

I just want to get back to that place where I felt comfortable in my body. Sure I still wanted to lose weigh but we I was in my low 170's I felt really good. I was happier and more confident. I was proud of my accomplishments. I don't know how I got back here. I mean I don't know at what point I lost control of it.

I am not going to cry or say why me. Instead I am going to make some changes. Starting with my bike. I am going to make a conscious effort to ride everyday for at least 30 minutes. I am also going to try to pay more attention to what and how much I eat. No really structured plan of eating at first. I am focusing on activity first.

It is time to take care of my health. I have focused on school, the move, and the new house. Now it is time to focus on health. I will post some pics of the new bike tomorrow (hopefully)!

Choices

SO I was at the grocery store today thinking about what to buy to snack on this week. I have very little room in my grocery budget after the bbq yesterday and walked over to the chip aisle to grab a bag. Then something happened, I stopped turned and and walked to the carrots haha. Yep I decided that I would have some baby carrots instead (with left over ranch dip from the bbq) I thik I will be happier with them than the bag of chips.

In other news I was also checking out the bike helmets and was pretty disapointed. They seem to all be very masculine or have Dora the Explorer on them. Hrmm. So my question is....Do you wear a helmet when you ride? What do you like about it or hate about it (besides the whole save your brain thing)?

Bike

Hey all sorry that I have been pretty MIA lately. The past couple weeks have been kind of tough with lots of changes and family issues. But for a change of pace how about good news! My bike is ordered and should be here this week! YAY! My husband was able to work the budget to cover it and some friends and family contributed. I cannot wait!!

For those of you who missed the previous bike post. Here is picture!

Need to slow down.

I got a speeding ticket 2 days before my birthday...which is today. Money is so tight that I just want to cry. My fear is that I just lost my chance to get my bike. My heart is broken. I am too scared of the answer to ask the hubby about it. Well tomorrow is pay day so I guess we will see if he surprises me.

I really want my bike but if it means that we will be financially strapped then I understand its for the best to wait. Being without a job stinks. I hate having to depend on my husbands paycheck.

I feel like this bike could really be a great way to kickstart my weightloss again. I just hope it works out!

Birthday wishes

This

life goes on

So as the title says life is going. I am still looking to find a job, although not as hard as I should be. We are feeling more settled in the house, all of the little fixes are done and now we have to start saving for the big jobs. Right now our bedroom is in the dining room and our upstairs is unused until we get the drywalling done.

My 28th birthday is coming up August 11th and I am asking for a bike. We really don't have the money but I fell in love with a beautiful pink Schwinn cruiser while picking up groceries at Walmart the other day. I have been wanting a bike for a couple of years now. Before now we were in a third floor apartment with no room for bike storage but now we have a garage!! I think of all presents this is at least a productive one. We are also now on a great road for biking so that is a plus.

Once I get my bike all I need is to convince the husband that he needs a bike!

I'm back.

Hi guys. I am now living in the new house, in the new town, and looking for a new job. I have been living here for almost 2 weeks without a fridge or stove so needless to say eating has not been good. We have been eating a lot of dollar menu fast food. If you visited by house blog you can see I have been very busy renovating on a budget. That means a lot of activity.

The husband and I have decided that once the fridge and stove are in we are back to healthy eating. It will be a challenge with such a tight food budget but I think with a little planning I can make it work. We did buy a small charcoal grill which will make some yummy and healthy food.

The new stove and fridge are dream items for me. Our last apartment had a fridge that wouldn't even keep popsicles frozen and produce barely stood a chance 2 days after purchase. Our old stove burnt everything on the outside and left it uncooked on the inside. I feel really good that we got the appliances that we really wanted not just what was cheapest. I am very excited to see my stainless steel beautiful appliances. I had planned on purchasing an inexpensive glass top electric stove but ended up going with an upgraded version with a larger burner option and is self cleaning. I am so excited for my side by side fridge with ice and water in the door which we got $500 under the retail price due to the fact that it is the floor model. I cannot wait!

So while I do not plan on jumping on any specific plan (like ww or calorie count) but rather to eat foods that are less processed and watching my portions. I think that that will be a great start. I have to say I am feeling really motivated by my fellow health bloggers like Andrea Kerry and Sheryl I am just not feeling healthy right now and I miss how I felt 20lbs ago. I was so happy and proud. I was really building myself back up and enjoying life. I was loving the new clothes I could wear and I miss having more positive shopping experiences. I love clothes.

So that is where I am right now, ready to make some change.

House blog

Since my weight lose is pretty much nonexistent why not check out my house blog lol. This is why I haven't been blogging much. Busy busy busy.

http://livingdownbytheriver.wordpress.com/

You may have noticed....

that I cannot seem to get myself together. I am on the gain. I struck in at 187 yesterday. I am feeling really ashamed and sad. I have no excuse for this. I don't even have a job or classes, which is part of the problem. I have no reason to get up and move around.

I am eating pretty normally not super high calorie foods but I am gaining rapidly. So rapidly in fact that I had to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't pregnant. My stomach has pushed out at the top under my breasts in a way that really freaked me out. Test was negative. I am just fat. It makes you realize how much you move around in a typical work day.

Nothing fits, I am back in my old clothes that were too big before and now they are snug. I used to feel like I was more average but now I am feeling like the big girl again. 187 on and 5'1 girl is not healthy. It is far too big, I don't like how I feel and look. It is making me very unhappy.

I realize this sounds like a wah wah wah post but I am not looking for poor me comments. I just felt the need to be honest with you. I am feeling broken right now. Money is tight and that makes me feel guilty for buying produce, we are getting by with a lot of boxed foods right now.

I'm sorry if this is a downer post. I'm sorry I cannot be motivating to you. All I can be is honest. I don't understand how I got back here, how I let myself gain it all back again. I thought I would never be in the 180's again but here I am steam rolling back into the 190's if I don't do something. I was so happy when I hit 173, I felt so good about myself. I want to get back there, I will get back there, I must.

I make plans, I ignore them. Maybe I don't want it badly enough. For the record I am still reading blogs everyday. I am still living vicariously through all of your successes. Now I need to live through my own success.

So here I am counting points. I am the MOH in a wedding on Saturday so that will be my first challenge, getting through a wedding weekend. I am getting my head back in the game. I can do this, I have done it before. I will not give up, when I have make a poor choice I will track and move on. no more all or nothing. I will start by tracking everything.

Writing diet.

I am going to start the writing diet (by Julia Cameron) tomorrow, obviously along side the usual weight watchers points.

The basic idea from what I see (I have only started reading the book, it is step by step) is that you are working in emotional eating. The start is that you do writing in the morning that is thoughts. Flowing words with no focus on punctuation or creating a story. It is a way to just get out all the ideas in your head.

I have had the book for a few months and at the time I got it I was in school and doing my internship and getting up 30 minutes early in the morning to write just wasn't justifiable to me. I needed the sleep more. Now that I am jobless until the move I think I can swing it. I have also been really slacking at getting up in the morning. I have been sleeping in until 10 everyday. I cannot believe I just admitted that. I am going to nip that tomorrow also. I will be up at 8.

I am a big time emotional/boredom eater so I am hoping that the writing diet will help with that. I am also dealing with a lot of different feelings right now. I am jobless and out of school which is a new thing for me. We are in the process of buying our first home and moving 3 hours away. I cannot therefore get a job until we are moved. We are really strapped for money right now due to saving for our house and my lack of employment. I have things to do though. I could be packing and cleaning. I could take my dog to the beach or park.

Instead of doing those things I am waking up late, watching tv until dinner time and the making dinner. Then tv and bed. What a waste. Things have got to change. I am starting with getting up earlier and writing. I also have a job interview on Monday for a daycare in the new town. It would be a good job until I find a teaching job. I miss working with the kids already!

Well I will write again soon, I hope you are all doing much better than me!

Homes

Trying to buy a home sucks. I will probably continue to be a crappy blogger for the next month. I still counting points and I will really try to keep updated. PS I am trying to remember to turn to exercise to deal with this stress as opposed to food. Lets see if I can come out of this house buying deal thinner.

*hangs head in shame*

I lied. I tried to do the whole 30 day shred with out the dvd but that just didn't happen. Instead of making that super healthy choice I instead proceeded to eat a ton of crap, buy crappy groceries, and sit on my ass.

I could just leave it at that but really I want to point out the whole truth. I bought ice cream, cheetos, BBQ chips and dip, hot dogs (full fat), ramen noodles, more ice cream with hot fudge, pizza, and bacon cheese burgers with fries (obviously). Wow.

Now typically even on my worst ww weeks I would eat maybe 2 of those things tops. I set myself up to fail with those crappy groceries, and I knew what I was doing. It all started with getting the bigger bridesmaid dress and knowing I could lay off the dieting. Snowball big time.

Even worse since I am not working I do nothing all day but sit on my butt watching tv. How sad is that? This has got to stop.

The 30 day shred should come tomorrow (netflicks) SO I can start then. I sub at my old school in the afternoon too.

I look at houses on Wednesday (3 hours away) so that will probably be a no go day but I will definitely get a work out in looking at 10+ houses. I am going to focus on doing something everyday even if it is just a 30 minute walk that is so much more than what I am doing now.

So I may not shred today but I will get out and walk a bit....right now.

30 day shred

I have decided to try the 30 day shred again. Since I am not working or in school right now I have no excuse! I will be doing it 30 days straight with the exception of 2 travel weekends (I will make those days up too) I wanted to start tomorrow but I realized that my husband packed all of our DVDs and sent them up to his parents (geez thanks dear). I put it at the top of my netflicks list and I should get the dvd by Wednesday.

I could just say that I will start then but since I have already done the dvd many times that I will just find the intervals online and do my best without Jillian yelling at me, lol. I don't want to lose momentum, so I will start tomorrow!

I will post my measurements tomorrow. One huge perk is that in one month after completing the 30 days it will be time for the wedding that I am in.

I feel like I have been so uncommitted to my health lately. I need to accomplish something, to prove to myself that I can do this. There is no excuse to not fit in a 20 minute workout. Feel free to beat me up (with words lol) if I don't post that I did it!

The end

SO today I passed my Teaching portfolio presentation which means that as soon as I get my (hopefully passing) test score I will be a certified k-8 teacher. Wow. I did 2 presentations today, the last of my school work, my last class. I am officially no longer a student....what now?


No seriously what the heck do I do with the remaining 2 months in this town. I can't get a job with only 2 months to offer them. I have been toying with the idea of moving up early alone and getting a job, leaving my husband alone. He is not fond of this idea.

If I stay I guess I will have plenty of time to focus on my weight loss. I can pack up the house. I can....I don't know! I am planning on volunteering some time at public school that I did my internship in. The kids will love it.

Wow, I am no longer a student. Wow I made it. Wow now I have to find a job.

lost

Hey guys I can tell I have been a particularly bad blogger as of late because my follower count is down. Oops sorry. I guess I have just been taking care of other business in my life. Finishing up school, looking for a house, looking for a job, and being the maid of honor in a wedding in June has just kept me super busy. SO I am trying to find my focus again and I will try my best to get back to blogging.

I picked up my dress for the wedding, yes the one I had to get in a bigger size. I am still beating myself up for ordering a size down to begin with. But anyways I have the new size, it zips but it could fit a little more comfortably. So of course I am trying to refocus on weight watchers. I am still signed up for the online program and I will weigh in tomorrow.

I am feeling a little bit of a failure with my getting back on the wagon. I keep trying but I also keep giving up. I have got to invest in myself.

I tried getting back into running this week and I have decided that running is not going to work for me. Now this isnt me giving up but truthfully at this weight I think it is too much for my ankle. I broke my ankle about 9 years ago in a car accident and had 2 surgeries on it. One put a screw in and another to take it back out again! So the day after I run I usually have a lot of pain.


So instead of running I will focus on walking. I think that just getting more active will be hugely beneficial at this point. I know in the past I have thought that walking was a "wimpy" form of exercise and that it doesn't do enough to make a difference but the end result is that I just end up doing nothing. Compared to nothing, walking is an improvement lol.

So there it is. I am refocusing and I am going to blog more. I promise!!

back to reality

SO I ran today. Well I guess it would be called half running. I did some 1 minute intervals of running. I am glad I did it and I am going to really try to keep it up. I know I have tried so many times before to run but I end up giving up. I really want to be a runner so badly, sometimes I feel like I am just not built for it.

On another note I am in the home stretch of school. I am finishing up my unit and unit presentation today (fingers crossed) and tomorrow is portfolio work/ presentation. I am really hoping I can get those done because I have my teaching certification test on Saturday which I need to do some studying for! BUSY week. Oh yeah the test is 2.5 hours away and at 7:30 AM!! I will be staying at a friends house at the half way point so I will only have to drive about an hour that morning.

Oh yeah and on Sunday, we are looking at 8 houses! Yikes.

weigh in check

So bad news on the weigh in. I gained .8 which sucks. I feel like this week has been my most honest week I have ever had on ww. I really weighed and counted every little bit. I didn't work out at all but I figured that if I was following the eating plan then I would be fine to lose at least 1 pound.

Well the way I see it, I have two options. 1. get pissed off and go eat a bunch of junk OR 2. drop my activity level therefor dropping my points back down to 24 (from 26) and hope this works better for me.

I am choosing to go with #2 of course! In fact I am so NOT letting this little gain bring me down that I am off to go for a nice walk before the bridal shower I am invited to today. I did have some sucess this week I drank a lot more water, was really honest about the points I was eating, and I did not eat out (other than subway and panera the two approved options).

I also picked up some vitamins yesterday and some folic acid ( to prepare for future babies). Ok now off to the treadmill.

Days flying by

Sorry about the lack of posting lately. I am wrapping up my internship, as a matter of fact this coming week is my last. I am sad it is ending and I have a ton of work to do before I present my portfolio. May will be a month of freedom, I will be done with school. Then it is time for the real world. I have to find a teaching job..yeah good luck.

I am doing well, staying with in my points and I will weigh in tomorrow and let you know the results!

New product- Bagel thins

Has anyone else tried these? I got the everything bagel and I really like it. Bonus they are 1 point, negative they aren't that bagelly but a nice switch up from thre regular arnold sandwich thins!

weigh in day

I am down 1 more lb today. I am happy with that but I won't lie I was hoping for just a little bit more. I upped my points this week because I realized that I am more active daily than I was giving myself credit for. I am hoping that I can keep losing at 26 points for at least another couple weeks. I didn't eat my activity points and had a few dailies left over too.

I am going to go t Target today and hopefully pick up a new Sigg bottle and maybe a Hungrygirl cookbook. Since I had my first time homeowners class yesterday (from 8-2) then I babysat at 6, I havn't had much rest/relaxation this weekend but oh well. I guess I will catch up on that as much as I can today!

Oh yeah. Happy Easter to all those it applies. I am not a big easter person and the perk of that is that there is not easter candy in my apartment right now. LOL.

hungry girl

Hey guys do you have any hungry girl cookbooks? Whats your opinion? Which should I buy?

weigh in day

Well I got my wish! I am down 1.4lb! I am so happy with that especially since I am having my monthly visit. It isn't the usual 4lb loss, start of ww weigh in but I will take it.

I am happy. Now for lunch. Have a great Sunday!

500th Post!

Wow it is hard to believe that this is my 500th post, where does the time go?

I wish I had something exciting to mark this spectacular numeric occasion but I don't really. I am pretty much just trying to get back into the ww online thing. I have counted points all week and I am hoping to see at least a small loss tomorrow. I checked in this morning (I know..bad) and I was the same as when I started..bummer but I cannot expect miracles. I guess I am just used to seeing a big loss in the first weigh in.

My goal for tomorrows weigh in is to except whatever number I see and just keep working. Either way I had a healthier week and I am moving towards the right direction.

I did get a few walks in this past week. I struggled on the days I was at class until 6 becasue once I got home and ate dinner it was too late to walk. I have found that if I walk too close to my bedtime I struggle to get to sleep and end up tossing and turning all night. Its not an excuse it is just life. On the days I didn't have class I worked out as soon as I got home from school and that was great.

So this coming week I plan on just keeping at it!

check!

Got my 30 minute walk in today! Progress. I also passed on going to dinner at a restaurant tonight because I just knew anything that I ordered would put me over my daily points and I'm not ready for that temptation yet.

back to ww

Shocking..right? I am back to do ww online. I bought simple healthy groceries and I am ready to go. And go is what I need to do...meaning I need to get some more activity in for sure. I want to get back to running. I want to start slow though. My plan is to walk 30 minutes a day. That is manageable. How can I deny myself 30 minutes for my health.

I have learned one thing about working out. I cannot do it close to bedtime which is typically when I cna find time. If I work out right before bed I am wired all night. Wait....what does that tell you...yeah working out gives you energy. Duh, Jess. Maybe morning workouts are best. So I am going to start with walking 30 minutes a day in the early evening but I am also going to work on getting up earlier. But not to work out. If I know the only reason I am getting up is to work out I am soo much more likely to say no way and sleep in. So instead I will just get up earlier and enjoy my coffee without a rush and slowly work myself up to getting up at 6.

I know that if I throw myself into to much too quickly I will burn out . It is just too much change at once that kills me. So slow and steady is the plan.

15lbs in 12 weeks.

So that's how it breaks down. I need to lose a little over a pound a week to fit into my dress. Here is hoping! My last other idea is to put a corset in the back of the dress. If the dress isn't looking like it will close 6 weeks before the wedding I am going to look into getting that done.

Really it needs to be about 10lbs at the 6 week mark in order for me to stand a chance in the dress fitting in time. I realize that putting a time limit is usually not a good idea but truthfully it isn't about a choice at this point. I either will lose it or not in which case I need a back up plan. Thankfully the Bride isn't a picky person and wouldn't care if I altered the dress. The other perk that would help that situation is that I am the maid of honor and I am the only one wearing this style of dress!

My ideal plan is to lose though because I need to lose the weight either way.

Oh yeah I also have a plan to weigh in with a friend of mine at her house on Sundays. She is this gorgeous girl with a little junk in the trunk she wants to get rid of! I really respect her and I know that I won't want to disappoint her. The only downfall would be that we have a history of starting things and not finishing them!

So here is to a new start.

Dress dilemmas

Hey remember this when I was talking about buying my bridesmaid dress. Well i ended up going with a 14 and and now really regretting that decision...the dress does NOT fit. SHit. I tried it on tonight and well its not pretty. The wedding is in 3 months almost to the day. I am weighing in at about 184, when I picked it out I was about 175 needing to lose about 5 lbs. That leaves me needing to lose about 15lbs.

In 3 months. Yeah it is totally doable. I just have to switch my focus back to working my ass off. I have got to get myself together.

I love this dress and I do not want to despise it. I want to enjoy it. I am going to count points again...I know shocking right lol. Someone please give me crap the next time I quit ww's ok?

Still working..

I am still working on me, trying to figure out what is going to work long term. I am on my second day of getting back to running. I am trying a coaching program through the Nike+ that I have.

It is really set up quite differently than the couch to 5k but it is worth a try. It has shorter total times of running but the running intervals are longer. I am really trying to focus and stop thinking I'll try...or maybe I can.... Instead I will just DO IT! I can do it. It is not that I can't it is that I allow myself to give up.

I so want to be a runner and I know I can do it. I just need to push myself out of my comfort zone. This is probably my 3rd or 4th try at running but I am going to give it another try. It will be worth it.

In other news I did a major clothing purge tonight. I cleaned out my dresser and closet of all clothing that I haven't worn in the past 6 months. I got rid of clothing that has never fit right and the stuff that is too big. It feels so good to clear out all that extra stuff and give it to charity. I havea hard time getting rid of things that I MIGHT use in the future or that I paid good money for. It is such a waste but I am much better about purchasing things now. I am really focused on purchasing quality items.

When I first started losing weight I would buy things just because they fit....meaning that they buttoned. I didn't focus on things fitting well because I was just so happy to find clothing that fit. I would also purchase things because they were on sale. I have stopped that behavior I now ask myself if I really need things and I always double check my basket before I check out. That is a big change for me. I am more in control of my shopping now.

Control is a big issue for me. I need to be in control. I think that I need to keep up with running because it gives me control and relieves stress. It is so good for me.

Cereal!

What is your favorite Weight Watchers friendly cereal? aka high fiber cereal.

Hey Guys!

I am home from school today, I just needed an extra day off. I feel like I have not had a single break since before the cruise. Yeh i know the cruise should have been a break but really we traveled with a go go go couple and I ended up more tired after vacation than before. So anyways I took today off to get my life back together.

I really feel like that was a good choice. Yesterday I felt incredibly anxious about the coming week and was not feeling ok about life. I was feeling overwhelmed and upset for no particular reason. This morning I feel better about things. I have started tracking again and have made a really good grocery list which I will take care of tomorrow. I am planning more and thinking about meals when I write my grocery list instead of healthy bits and pieces that I dont even end up using. I am really going to try an focus on getting a good breakfast in the mornings too.

As I write this entry I know that I have written similar post before. I am tired of letting myself down. I really just need to keep focus no matter how many weeks I plateau, I need to remember that it will end eventually and that a plateau is better than gaining all the weight back! That is what happens! I plateau, give up and gain it back. I have got to break tht cycle. So here is to trying again.

Home

I am home from my cruise and I am feeling pretty exhausted. The trip was lovely although quite chilly. I think I gained about 5lbs. I didn't really weigh myself before I left but I am sitting at about 185lbs. That sucks.

It is the same cycle, I get down to 173 then gain it all back. I don't know why I keep doing this. I am trying to figure out where to go from here. I need to lose 15ish pounds by June. I know you are thinking bad idea setting a limit but the truth is I need to fit into a maid of honor dress in June and I need to be at about 170lbs to make it work.

So what do I do? Weight watchers? Count calories? Join a gym? I am just not sure which direction to go. My instinct is weight watchers but I don't think I can afford it. I could do it at home or I could try something new and count calories. Or maybe just write down what I eat.

I have a tough couple of days ahead of me but by Monday I will have a new plan. I am starting by cleaning up my house and I am going to record what I eat the next few days.

Thank you for sticking with me, I really appreciate every comment and just knowing that someone is still believing in me.

Vacation

I am heading out in the morning for Florida!! Than my valentines day cruise. Have a wonderful week!

I cruise in 14 days. Two weeks from today I will be flying to Florida. HOLY COW!! I am so excited. I am still not losing any weight. I haven't been working out or counting points. It never fails to amaze me how I am so unmotivated even when I have a big reason to be. I would think that a cruise would be enough to make me focus. I am not feeling bummed, I am just kind of excepting it. I am trying to listen to my body and eat healthy foods.

I am really just focused on my student teaching. I need to just breathe. Its all good.

Group classes

Hey Guys I am wondering, What is your opinion of group classes? Do you like them? DO you feel they push you more?

Small changes

I have decided to give the 30 day shred video another try. My friend had borrowed it for a few months and loved it so much she gave me some cash to buy a new one because wanted to keep it!


SO I picked up a new copy tonight and the husband and I are giving it another try. We have been tossing around the idea of getting up early and doing it before we head off to work. For me this is great because nothing feels better than having accomplished your workout before you even start your day. You feel more energized and are more likely to make better choices in order to not ruin the hard work you put in. I know all of this personally because I went to the gym for a while in the morning and loved it. Unfortunately that gym which was a block away closed and I lost the getting up early momentum.

The only draw back is that I am not, let me repeat NOT a morning person. I struggle to get up now and losing another hour of sleep is not going to help the situation. I hate getting up early so much that I shower at night to let me sleep in later in the morning. I have been know to get up 25 minutes before I head out the door, usually still half asleep.

My biggest struggle over all with exercise is that I am soo tired when I get home after a long day. I just cannot muster hte energy and therefore find it easy to make an excuse to skip working out. If I work out in the morning than there is nothing to get in the way of my work out.

Now I will note that the husband and I are still in negotiations about this morning thing. I do hope I can pull him over to my side of the argument.

I cannot believe

I weighed in this morning. I cannot believe that I have gained back 8 of the 20 lbs I lost. I can really feel it in my clothes and it sucks. I have just let go since the holidays and it is not working. I really thought that as long as I was eating in the same manner that I would just ...not lose but to gain this much really sucks. Its not like I am eating crispy cream burgers.

Mentally I dont really care what the number is but the bottom line is that my clothes are getting tight and that sucks. Most of my dress pants were a little tight to begin with but the muffin top has baked over at this point. I f'n hate muffin top.

I feel so freakin free not counting what I eat. It is amazing. But ...it is not working.

I just wanted to keep you all updated with all that is going on with me. Not good news but it is what it is. Not sure whats next but I will keep ya updated.

B&F

I have noticed something about before and after pictures. Even if the person isn't at goal the after pictures look soo much better. Whether it is 5 or 50lbs there is a different light behind their eyes. They look happier, more confident, and proud.

I think it must have to do with a sense of accomplishment and confidence in their ability to take control of their lives. I love before and after pictures! So keep up the amazing work and realize how much you have accomplished whether it is 5lbs or 50lbs.

about time

I got off my butt and did something. I walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill with a few minutes of running (1 minute in length each). Running sucks for the record. Just kidding but it was really tough even doing 1 minute of running intervals. I am glad that I managed to get up and do something.

Dress Shopping!!

SO we went to do a final sizing for our bridesmaid dresses. Last time I was teettering between a size 14 and 16. I had tried on the 16 which fit fine but I could also fit into the 14 in another dress (they didnt have my size in the actual dress) so when I went in today I tried on both sizes.

Of course with my luck the zipper on the 14 was broken. Once again the 16 fit fine but was a little loose on top. SO the girls convinced me to get the 14. I think that the 14 will fit me no matter how much I lose between then and now I just need to make sure I dont gain.

Now it is important to point out that I am going on an all you can eat cruise in less than a month. But then I will have 4 months to get back on track and ideally back to the low 170's. I am not worried, I think it will be great. I LOVE, love my dress btw. It is awesome and I will wear it over and over! Then to boot I only had to pay $15 for it since the mom of the bride is kicking in $100 towards each of our dresses!

Overall it was fun and sucessful.

On the food/weight loss front. I have been recording my calories and although I ate about 1700 calories I am feeling good about keeping track and seeing what I am really consuming.

What are you fighting?

So I have officially gained 5lbs since November, my focus is lost. I thought it was becasue I was sick of weight watchers but I think it is just me. I have lost that spark.

I think that it all seemed to go downhill when I stopped working out. I keep meaning to get back on the running bandwagon but facing the treadmill is really daunting at this point. I can feel myself in the same old pattern where I lost about 20lbs then gain it all back if not a little bit more. I f'n hate it. I hate it. I hate that I can see myself slipping and yet I am just letting it happen. I am pissed at myself, why can't I just snap out of it and get back to the plan.

What I have tried.
- planning meals
-drinking a ton of water
-planning workouts
-drinking less diet coke (I do have less cravings at night)
- changing my diet plan (stopping ww, trying intuitive eating)
- no alcohol (this isn't that hard for me)


I'm tired and I know it is because I am so inactive. I live in Maine and it is cold and dark the majority of the day. It's hard to get outside. It is hard to get up early when it is dark. Sure these are all valid excuses but complaining isn't going to change them. Whining about it won't make Maine turn into a warm climate. I am really trying to suck it up and realize that although these might make it more difficult my only true option is to find a way around it, I cannot change that.

So what am I going to fight?

Am I going to fight myself for continuing the lose/gain cycle? Or do I fight against the elements of life? DO I fight the urge to go back to bed before an early morning workout or fight the disapointment that I did skip the workout? Either way I am fighting.

points freedom.

How many times have I signed up for weight watchers and then dropped out after paying them a ton of money. Well probably about 6 times. And once again I am signing off my weight watchers account. It is just not working for me. Or rather I am not working for it. I am tired of points.

No worries I am not giving up and I am not forgetting what I have learned. I know what foods are good for me, the ones that will give me energy and the ones that will make me want to go to bed. I know what a portion is. I am going to listen to my body and eat when I am hungry.

I will also be using calorie count to make sure I am not going too crazy.

Very exciting stuff

I spent my morning cleaning up the apt, then I was off to run errands. I went to BJ's (like cosco or Sam's club) and got a good deal on some cucumbers and peppers. I then went to Whole Foods and picked up all sorts of goodies including two new veggies to try out. I bought an eggplant and a head of cauliflower, both of which I have been avoiding through out my life. My husband is so excited because he loves both! I am thinking of roasting the cauliflower, maybe with some balsamic. I'm not 100% sure about what to do with the eggplant.

I am also going to try my hand at a breakfast cookie tonight to have for breakfast in the morning. I am feeling pretty good about things this morning. I did not count points today and I have decided to get myself back into eating healthy and not worrying too much about the exact points. For dinner I just cut up a ton of veggies, carrots, trio of peppers and cukes with some veggie dip and hummus.

So I am feeling good and am going to go enjoy a nice cup of coffee.

One question

So as many of you know I am a veggie virgin. I didn't grow up eating veggies at all besides corn and potatoes. I am looking for some easy tasty healthy ways to cook up my veggies. Honestly I don't even know how or what to roast or what seasonings go with what. So let me know about your go to veggie recipes! Please!

Sick girl

Hello sick girl here and I am happy to report I feel like I am finally coming out of it. Yes it is true I have been feeling awful, coughing, sore throat, achy, and just feeling overall rotten. I therefore have not gotten myself back on track just yet. My diet has consisted of orange juice, ritz crackers, grilled cheese with tomato soup, and of course the ultimate comfort food ice cream. Lots of ice cream. I've basically been in bed for the past 3 days.

I am feeling a lot better today as far as my cold goes but I am feeling horrible as far as my diet/exercise is concerned. I really wanted to be back on track this week, I need to be back on track. My cruise is next month and although I do not need or expect to lose 20lbs by then I do want to feel healthy. I want to feel in control and strong not bloated and overfull.

I am frustrated with myself because I know that it is not only my being sick that has prevented me from getting on with getting back on track. I'm lazy. I am so freaking lazy, I don't want to plan or cook or workout. I am lazy and pissed off at myself for gaining back who knows how much over this past month. I am guessing about 5lbs. I fought so hard to lose these 20lbs and I just gave it up for junk food and laziness.

Please understand that this is not a "oh poor me" post and I do not want you to tell me that I am being too hard on myself, I am actually too easy on myself. I need to stop being so easy on myself. I need to crack down and hold myself accountable. I need to make plans and follow through. I need to realize that my health is a priority and it effects every aspect of my life from my marriage to stress level.

Small steps. I need to make a single step in the right direction and that will lead me back on track. I will not sleep in tomorrow, I will set my alarm. This is a big step seeing as I have slept in for the past 2 weeks! Especially with being sick, don't tell but I slept in until 12:30 today. Tomorrow I will set my alarm for 9, I will get up and get myself organized. I will catch up on my cleaning, most importantly my kitchen so that I am more likely to cook healthy meals.

So this is what I will do to move in the right direction, I will also try to figure out a workout plan that I can stick to. To start I simply want to have some physical activity every day for at least 30 minutes. That is my goal. I am not specifying what activity, it may be yoga or a leisurely walk, maybe even getting back to running. I miss running, I know I can do this, I can be a runner.

Sorry for the long post, I just have a ton of thoughts running through my head! Wish me luck!