Monday, April 22, 2013


Now that I have never been one to want to be normal, as a matter of fact my high school yearbook quote was "there is nothing worse than being normal." While I still stand by that in many ways, there is a certain type of normal that I strive for. It is not about being boring or being the same as the person next to you wearing the same outfit as all your friends normal. It is more about body acceptance normal.

There have been times in my adult life that I felt normal and I can remember them all. They all occur about the 170's. I can remember my 22nd birthday when I was on weight watchers and I had gotten down to my all time adult low of 173lbs. I wore my size 12 American Eagle jeans and this green halter top that covered my minimal muffin top perfectly. Another time was trying on bridesmaid dresses with two other very thin girls. I was around 175lbs and since the bride was sick we took pictures together of each dress for her. When I went home and uploaded the pictures I was pleasantly surprised that I looked normal and not like the fat girl of the group.

Over the past 3 years I have felt very much out of place in my own body. Yes, I was pregnant for a chunk of that time but before pregnancy and definitely after I was much larger than 175. Now I am a short girl at 5 foot 2 so even 175 is still quite big on my frame. So imagine 200lbs on my frame, I was drowning and couldn't get out of my own way to lose the weight.

I refuse to blame my child or even pregnancy for my weight gain. I only gained 28lbs while pregnant and 20 of them dropped off within the first month of my son's life. I also have a very supportive husband who is always willing to watch our son so I can work out. It is really all about me and the decisions that I make to change.

So back to feeling normal. I am currently in the 176-178 weight range and starting to get back to feeling normal. Now my end goal is 135 but it is nice to start feeling normal again. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and have the confidence to do everything that I want to do. I want to be in pictures with my son and run around being silly with him without feeling judged. I know that 90% of this is in my head but the mind is an amazing thing.

I am thankful everyday that I have been able to stick with running and that I am working hard at tracking my food to hold myself accountable. I am making changes everyday to be healthier and in turn happier. I just want to feel normal.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

I found my answer (See post below)

"If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run."
--John Bingham

And now I know.

When do I get to call myself a runner?

I think about this a lot. I am still quite overweight, I run very slow, and I am still pretty new at this running thing. When do I get to call myself a runner? Is it a speed thing? a time goal? a distance? I'm not really sure.

I thought when I hit the running for 30 minutes straight I would feel like a real runner. I am still not going far though because I am slow. So I set a distance goal of 2 miles, still not 100% feeling it. I signed up for a 5k, too scared to think about it, not a runner. Set a run outside in my neighborhood goal, done, still not there. I ran on a popular running path, still not quite it.

I still feel like a liar when I say I went for a run, I still feel completely inadequate shopping for running gear at sporting stores. I literally feel like someone is going to come tell me to leave because there is no way I could be a runner. I felt/feel awkward talking about running and felt like I was an imposter.

I huffed and puffed my way to where I am. I ran through aches and pain. I push myself every time I run to do better and be more of a runner. I signed up for a second 5k before I even had reached my goal of running 3.1 miles. I put myself out into the world and ran. I stopped hiding behind my treadmill and it was really hard.

I wondered if people were judging me. I took their smiles as encouragement but also wondered if they were pity smiles. Were they just thinking that I would stop in a few feet? Were they laughing in their heads at how hard the running was for me? Did I look stupid. At the end of my run, I didn't care. I had run and I felt good. Was this my first step in accepting myself as a runner?

Last night a set a goal for myself. I would run 3 miles straight, no breaks. Now this may seem like a small goal but considering that my longest run to date was 2 miles, it felt like a mountain. I had planned to run outside but the wind was blowing so hard and I wanted to set myself up for a victory, so to the treadmill I went. I knew my treadmill held all of my cheesy motivation post its and that I would have all the time I needed without worrying about it getting too dark outside. I was locked into this goal. I would run 3 miles. My mantra was unless you puke, pass out, or die keep running.

I wanted to give up on mile 1 but I pushed through and by the time I hit mile 2 I knew that I had made it too far to even think about stopping. When my watch hit 3 miles I knew what I had to do. I pushed that extra .1 and had officially run my first 5k.

So what about now? Am I a runner?

I'm still not quite sure. Perhaps I need to run along side someone I consider a runner? Maybe after my first 5k I will feel it? HOw do you define being a runner? When did you first feel it?

Monday, April 15, 2013

So many questions.

Where does the time go? How does becoming a mom change my bedtime to 9 o'clock? When did I become a runner? Or am I?

So many questions but I suppose an update is due. We are still a family of 3. My son is a thriving 16 almost 17 month old happy child. I love being his mom and have never been happier.

I am down about 30lbs since December and feeling pretty great although I still have a way to go. I started running in January and can now run 36 minutes straight on the treadmill and around 2 miles outside. I have been using My Fitness Pal and counting calories. It has made my life much easier and changed he way I look at calories. I think in terms of if a food is "worth" spending my calories. Sometimes candy is worth the calories other times not so much. So it isn't really always about the nutrition of the nutrition of the item but rather if it fits into my daily needs. I know that if I am running that day I will need to pay more attention to my food choices or else my run will suck. I have also found that my water intake makes a huge difference in my runs. If I am not drinking like a fish all the time I suffer during my runs.

I will say working out did not give me any energy, exactly the opposite really. I am pooped and I go to bed really early! I was hoping my body would adjust but not so much yet. I did check in with my doctor and all of my bloodwork came back normal and I know that it isn't any other issue. Life is jut making me tired.

Now the runner question is one I am going to write about in another post because it is something I really struggle with. It is a self esteem issue/confidence issue for sure.

I am going to try harder to be a better blogger because it does help me and I hope it is somewhat entertaining! I do have a list of blog ideas that I want to work on. Sometimes I think that writing out my thoughts will help me work through the issues. Sometimes just getting it out of my head feels good. Of course hearing that other people think the same way is always amazing!