fallen

Yeah I could feel myself falling off the wagon today but fortunately I realized what I was doing and caught myself. My main issue was being home and being bored wanting to eat all day. I have also been easing off on my water intake and I know that is hurting me. 

So my plan of action is to go mix up a huge bottle of sugar free koolaid and to not eat again until dinner (5pm) . No more snacking for me this afternoon! 

I haven't yet gotten to try my yoga dvd but I have only had 1 diet coke today. 

Weekly goals

I was thinking of starting to setting a weekly goal, so for the remainder of this week my goal is to cut back on the diet coke and increase the water. 

Small steps  seem to work well for me. If I can commit to the small things and  I am able to reach those goals it seems to help me work towards the big picture. 

So since I am home this week (I drink way more dc when I am home) my goal is to limit myself to two diet cokes a day and the rest will be water. 

With that being my primary goal I also want to set a simple second goal. My second goal is to test out my new yoga dvd tomorrow!!

The OG

No not the OC but the OG, Olive Garden. I went to lunch with a friend of mine today at the OG and boy was it good. It was rediculously high in points and not I am scambling for a low point dinner but over all worth it. I do have to say that the one thing that I truely get from being on ww is balancing what you eat. If you have cake for lunch then have salad for dinner type of thing. 

Weigh in results

Wooo down 2lbs! Take that Christmas cookies, chocolate pie, and crackers with cheese! I won!

Weight

So I weighed myself this morning and I haven't gained anything from the hoidays I may have even lost a bit. Not quite sure as I wasn't wearing jeans when I weighed myself and thats what I weigh in at ww. I think I can attribute this to the fact that I missed a lot of meals because of the appitizer type foods that we had most days. No real sit down meals except for Christmas dinner. 

So we will see how that holds for tomorrow morning. I am off to buy some groceries!!

Back home

SO I am home. Christmas went as well as it could considering that we had a major loss in our family. My great grandmother died in her sleep in Christmas eve. She was in her late 80's and very alive and healthy up until the day she died. At first I cried but then I realized that she lived a long life and that atleast she is with my great grandfather now. She has been a lone for 10+ years now and I know that that has to have been hard for her. I will miss her.

I'm off

Well I am off for the holidays and will not be posting until Saturday probably at the earliest. It's going to be a tough week but I really plan on giving it my best while on the road. Now I am off to clean my house/earn some activity points ; ) I hate coming home to a dirty apartment after a long trip! There is nothing nicer than that first night home in your own bed!

Small goal setting

With Christmas being this week and me being away from home for 5 days straight I am not expecting a huge loss next week but I really wanted to set a goal. My goal for next weigh in is ..dah dah dah... 1 pound.

 I know maybe it isn't very challenging but for me to be out of my comfort zone it is actually a huge goal. It is me resolving to say no I will not gain, I will not eat for the sake of eating, and I will break my holiday patterns. Here is to one more pound down next week. 

PS I will eat a couple cookies, I will have Christmas dinner, and I will get in some activity. Snowball fight anyone?

Very interesting weigh in.

So firstly I weighed in this morning down 4.6lbs YAY!! The downside is that leaving weight watchers I slid off the road for about 20ft and had to rely on the help of strangers to push me out.  It was pretty scary. I had expected poor weather today but it wasn't supposed to happen until the evening. Wrong it hit just as I got to weight watchers. I love the idea of snow but driving in it is a completely different story. 

First real weigh in.

So I am weighing in tomorrow morning because although my meeting is Monday night I have decided to weigh in on Sunday mornings because it is in the morning. Therefore there will be no day of freaking out about what I eat and how much I drink. 

 Hopefully they won't give me to hard of a time since technically it hasn't been a  full week since my last weigh in. I do have the monthly pass so it won't be a money issue. 

*

I'm tired, relieved, a little pissed off, and worried. 

Firstly it has been the week from hell trying to get all my work/studying in. 

Secondly my finals are done thank goodness. 

Thirdly I got a D in physiopsych which means I have to retake the class next semester to get the C I need. Bonus suck I am already taking 5 classes (3psych) and this will make 6 (4psych). 

Last but not least I still have no idea if I have a job as of Jan 1. 

Food is good though. I still have 1 pt to go today and no desire to use it. I am hoping to get back on with my running this week and relieve some stress. 

Sometimes life sucks but you push on. I am trying really hard to focus on the positives but messing up this class has really got me down. I cannot time wise or financially afford this extra class next semester but in order to graduate in May I have to push on. On the plus side I have only turned to food to deal with stress once this week and I managed to work the rest of my days points around the oops. 

Finals weeks...

So I am just crazy tired and busy this week with finals. I am rocking the weight watchers 4 days at my points and not a one of my flex used yet!! It actually hasn't been too hard because I have been taking the time to plan for my lunches. Dinners have been simple and I am working hard to includes veggies in my meals. Mostly peppers this week. 

Now I am off to do a little more studying and then off to bed!! Wish me luck!

and it was....

GOOD, other than the receptionist not having a clue about how to set up my monthly pass since I signed up online. My meeting leader is a riot, she is an ex nun, now school teacher, and she has really great stories. 

Today was my first full day of counting points and I'm not going to lie, its tough.  I have been so used to just eating because the urge strikes that now that I have to thin about it I am a little frustrated. I'm out of points and a little "hungry" I think or bored, stressed, Not thristy though. I got in more that the alloted beverage requirement in today. 

I weighed in at my highest weight ever today. That was a tough one. I knew it was coming but it still stung. I have never posted my weight on my blog before but I am starting to feel like it is the best way to keep me really accountable to you and myself. I weighed in at 193.4. It scares me that I am that close to 200lbs, I know that it is time for change.

Going to the ....

weight watchers meeting and I'm gonna get weighed in. Gooooing to lose some pounds. Yeah, anyways I'm heading out so I will let you know how I feel about my first meeting back! PS I signed up for the month card so I have free etools and they rock.

a different kind of food journal

Coming off a crappy food eating binge I have decided to make a list of foods that aren't really as yummy as they seem to be in my mind. These are the same foods that are so appealing while I am dieting , the ones that make me want to go over my points.

 So I created a file on my computer that I will write all that info down so that when the craving hits I can review. I can remember how rubbery chicken mcnuggets are and how boxed shells and cheese is pretty tasteless. Homemade tastes so much better. 

On a different note I also purchased some frozen dinners, which I plan on using for emergencies only. I will eat those on the nights that I want to order pizza because I am too tired to cook anything. Not the best thing to eat but much better than copious amounts of greasy (delicious) pizza. They last a long time so I don't have to worry about replacing them regularly, so they are basically a dinner first aid kit. 

I am getting ready!! Tomorrow is the day! Yay!

Sweetest present ever

My dear friend gave me the sweetest Christmas present yeasterday. It was a simple little box with three little notes inside. They said...

My holiday wish for you is.... to recognize how beautiful you are inside and out

What I love about you is...... your free spirit. You do not care what others think. You are Snow White with a diva side that shops at awesome thrifty stores. Stay lovely and open hearted.

Thank you for ...being my diva. You have an awesome ability to make me laugh and feel good about myself. Thank you for loving every part of me. 

Needless to say it was by far the most meaningful present I am sure I will get this year. It is a gift like this that makes you realize just how lucky you are to have people who love you just the way you are. It is an amazing thing and I am blessed.

Things I know..

I know that I am not a consistent loser, I usually lose, gain a little, and lose big, lose a little, gain. This rattles my mindset terribly. I am so affected by a gain that I tend to binge. 

I know that I will probably not see a loss when I start working out more. It will take time to balance out.

I know that socializing/eating out is one of my downfalls.

I know that I will get insatiable cravings in the afternoon and that I should plan to have a defense against them. 

I know that stress will make me want to turn to food but that exercise is a better choice.

I know that I prefer a little of the real thing instead of a lot of a fake food

I know that the number shouldn't matter but it does.

I know that I can count on you bloggers to pick me up when I am down and to motivate em through your good work. 

I know I can do this.

I found a very exciting deal!! Yoga for beginners kit made 

by the Firm company only $14.99!! As you can see in the picture it came with 2 dvds, foam block, mat, and strap. 

Mario tested and approved!

my poor wasted lunch

Does anyone else have this problem? I will pack a lovely lunch, healthy and something that looks good at the time. Then lunch rolls around I can't get myself to eat it, it looks totally unappealing. It doesn't really matter what it is, it just doesn't look good. This is to the point that I would rather not eat at all than eat that food. So in turn I don't eat then I end up binging on junk because I get too hungry.

SO I guess what I want to know is how do you get excited about your lunch, how do I get into the mindset of eating to live rather than being so picky? Any one have a good books on learning to eat to live?

Just putting this out there

I am terrified that I will fail at weight watchers again, that the plan just wont work for me. Although I would rather be stuck at 175 my typical plateau then where I am now. 

Good idea

So I got a great idea after reading Diet Coke and Zingers' blog she says that the average american GAINS 11 pounds over the holidays. Wow. So since I am usually the exception to the rule I have decided that I will try to lose 11lbs over the holidays! So my goal is to lose the 11 pounds by January 2nd (or 5th since that is my official weigh in day) 

Who is with me? Let's be the exception to the rule together this year!

A little help here...please

So I am trying to plan a little bit in advance for my next ww journey and I know my biggest issue is that I dont like veggies. I am hoping that someone can give me tips or links on how to cook veggies so that they taste better in a healthy way. I am will to try veggies again but I guess I just don't know what to do with them. 

What I KNOW I  like

sweet potato

white potato

cucumber

lettuce

cooked carrots in soup

peppers

I really do not like, not even a little....

celery

onions (except powder to season)

broccoli (except in broc and cheddar soup)

butternut squash

I have had yellow squash cut up really tiny, mixed in risotto and I was ok with that so it is one veggie that I am really interested in finding a good recipe on. 

Any tips would be lovely!! Thanks in advance!

Crazy mode

Today and the past couple of days I have been feeling food crazy. You know that panicked have to eat this now because I wont be able to soon kind of eating. Weight watchers is starting in less than a week and I AM ready. I am excited to start fresh but I don't want to start until I weight in officially. 

This is my reasoning, if I lose weight before I weigh in then I will feel ripped off because at 10lbs I might only be at 5lbs according to weight watchers. Ok yeah it seems a little anal retentive but that is just the way my twisted little mind works. 

I am going out to dinner to celebrate a friends birthday tomorrow night and then on Friday we do a little dinner/christmas celebration with friends. Fun times. Its good because I am going to end up spending a lot of time in the next weekend/week studying hardcore. This semester will be over soon thank goodness!

Busy bee

I am busy wow its crazy. Finals are next week and I have 3. Two of those are very important as in need a decent grade in order to pass the classes. I babysat last night and am heading to babysit tonight for a few hours. I have a math exam tomorrow and I'm tired. 

On the plus side I am making extra money to pay for my weight watchers membership and in two weeks I'll be done and have a month off from school. That means I am getting on the weight watchers wagon at just the right time because I will be off of school and able to focus on my health. I will be able to get into a good rhythm and get this weight off! Yay for fresh starts and progress.

What do you want from me?

I feel that it is necessary to look at why I have drop out of weight watchers in the past. Well I stopped losing weight. I stopped doing what I needed to do to make ww work for me. Here are a few reasons I stopped working the weight watchers plan.

-I wasn't working the food plan and working out at the same time

-I was abusing the system/finding fiber loop holes

-Not drinking enough water

-the numbers, all numbers all the time, got to me. 

-self sabotage- don't buy cookies!

-I was counting points of parts of the meal then adding them together. 

-ex. 1 pita =1pt but 2pitas=3pts

-I found it so hard to socialized because I felt that I couldn't eat what I wanted to eat or drink alcohol freely if I wanted to ( I really don't drink much at all in general, only when I'm out with friends)

-I plateaued and couldn't get past 175 for months

-I got mad that I was paying so much money to NOT lose weight.

-I took a break which lasted too long, got out of hand, and never ended.

-I blamed the program

- I gave up on myself because it was easier then trying harder

SO just some ideas that I wanted to get out there so that I don't fall into the same mind traps again. Right now I am working on...

-drinking my water

-working out on the regular

-prepaying for my first 10 weeks of weight watchers.

Next week ....weight watchers!

Not too much happening here...

....except maybe eating everything in sight. Yeah I am going through the eat all the things now that you wont be eating once you start weight watchers again. Shocking right? 

Ok not so much I do this every time and every time my husband says "Why are you eating all that crap its just going to make it harder because it is just more calories you will have to burn eventually." He means this in the best possible way, he's very supportive, and I'll be honest he's right. 

I know it's a ridiculous thing to do but its one of those habits that are hard to break. It's very simpler to a binge except it is much more planned. It's premeditated bingeing with a planned stop date. Speaking of bingeing check out  *bitchcakes* because she really hits home with her post on the topic. 

Ready...set....go

SO I returned the less than great $100 running shoes that I purchased and I am officially planning on using that money to join weight watchers again, starting on the 15th. All I have left to figure out is whether to do the monthly (debit from my account) or pay the 10 sessions in advance. I do appreciate the perk of having free etools with the monthly plan but I don't like that the money comes out automatically 2 weeks before each month starts, especially with my possible money woes. Any oppinions? Any one use the monthly pass?

Interesting..

SO interesting things are happening in my body today, I am feeling really ok with food. It's kind of strange I feel like I am not having cravings for food, I am more eating to live. 

Why? you may ask. Well I am thinking it is due to the fact that I have gone off my birth control. No I'm not trying to get prego. I just wanted to get off having to take pills and messing with my body. I wanted to see how my body really is. I think that I may be having some side effects that are effecting my emotions. I am so moody, sleepy, and to be honest sooo not in the mood. my poor husband. But anyways before we go too far into the gutter ; ) I just think that I want to see what happens. 

It would be really nice if I lost a little weight from coming off the pill, that would be nice. 

Ran last night...just thought I'd throw that out there.  ; ) When I was done I was amazed at how quickly it was over.  Such  small part of my day to give over to a good thing for my body.

A sign?

Hey wait..what,  yeah, it was....it's a sign.  I have two more babysitting jobs lined up for the next week/weekend. Oh you aren't following? Let me explain. Weight watchers costs big $ which I do not have so I figured that I would save up babysitting money so I can pay for a couple months in advance. 

Also I have been getting harassing calls from my friend begging me to rejoin ww with her again. And in addition my co teacher is interested in joining with me to. Is that enough signs or what?

I am thinking that it is a good idea and I need the accountability of weighing in. My financial reservations still remain however. I am in a grant funded position that needs to be renewed but might not be due to poor financial times. My grant is done at the end of this month, they are just discussing the renewal now. SO basically I could be tossed on my butt at the end of the month. jobless with more important bills then weight watchers.   Also I feel that I should save that extra money just in case of me losing my job. 

---Just a note I work at a preschool/daycare so parents ask me to babysit once in a while, I am not a 13 year old, I swear ha ha. 

Weight watchers dropout

     As much as I don't think I can really afford to go back to weight watchers I am really leaning towards it. I have a little money saved up from babysitting jobs that will pay for 3-4 months that I might use to pay in advance. 

   As I look back at my past year of weight stagnation I have come to realize that what I am doing right now isn't working. I am not able to hold myself accountable, it is just too easy to say screw it I'll cut back somewhere else. 

    My feelings of reservation about going back to weight watchers are mostly about my mental health. Let me explain, when I am doing weight watchers I get a  little obsessed with numbers. I am always thinking about what I can and cannot afford to eat points wise. I am constantly looking for the lowest point items to eat rather than enjoying what I eat. 

      Also I have to figure out when I can go to meetings, and worst of all I have to face the weight watchers people after dropping out for like the 3rd time. I almost feel like they are going to say "see I told you, you can't do it without us" or "maybe you should stick around this time". I know it's silly but it is a worry that I have. I'll probably at least get the look, if not the words. As I write that I realize just how self centered it sounds :P  

Perhaps that best plan is to try to do ww at home for a week or two and then sign up. Oh I wonder when the free registration starts up again? Wouldn't that be convenient? 

Out of Town

Ahh it is lovely to be back home. We got back last night and I got right back into routine. I ran last night and walked today so I am feeling pretty on track. I didn't eat too much while away and Thanksgiving has never been too big of a problem for me. I probably had a couple too many sweets but besides that not too bad at all. 

On another note as much as I love the holidays I feel like it is really crunch time. I have finals to worry about, travel for Christmas, money of course, my rent went up, and to top it off my job. I am currently in a grant funded position that ends at the end of December unless it is renewed. With the current financial issues in the university  and beyond I am not all that sure it will happen which will leave me jobless at the worst time of year. I love my job (preschool teacher) and that is why I will wait it out to hope for the best. I suppose all of this simply equals STRESS. 

One thing I will not stress about is my diet/exercise because I CAN control that; unlike much that is listed above. I will plan my food, saving time and money by purchasing only what I need to make the meals planned. I will use my running as stress relief/me time. 

I am going to focus on planning my time for EVERYTHING from shopping to school to meals and of course exercise. Here we go....bring it on December.

Nice relaxing day...and a run to boot.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed.Then when I walked int o my living room I was surprised to see that my lovely husband had gone out this morning while I was sleeping and bought me flowers!

I spent my day hanging out at home mostly then a quick trip for produce at Whole Foods. Then I did my run.

I just ran week2 run2 of the couch to 5k program on my treadmill. When I say just I mean that I can still feel the post workout buzz. If anything I wish I could bottle this feeling because it is so many things in one. I feel stronger, leaner, awake, determined, healthier, and like my body is abuzz with life. I know that I have chosen to do at least one positive thing for myself today and that is a step in the right direction. Yay! 

So the treadmill is put together but I haven't had a chance to use it yet due to my late arrival home today. I did put the pup on it and I think he might actually learn to enjoy it himself! He's a little guy and we had to bribe him with some treats but eventually I think we will be able to get him on there without them so much. This treadmill is going to whip us all into shape!! 

Guess who is getting ready to put together her new treadmill??? ME!! Yay!

Wow another rough day. I went to talk to my prof about some issues I have been having in class and had a total melt down..in his office..uncontrollable sobbing. It was horrible. I guess I have been holding way too much stress in this semester and it finally erupted. I got myself together my prof was really understanding and we finished our chat. I felt better when I left but then proceeded to get into my car a cry for the 30 minute drive. I feel so drained. 

I think that I left the meeting with some good ideas and I feel better about the situation. I feel like I can make a better plan. 

It was kind of funny though when I was done crying all I could think about was how it would feel good to go for a run and clear my head. That has got to be a good sign. Due to certain circumstances I was unable to go for the run but I feel good that I turned to running as opposed to food. Normally I would hit a drivethru of some sort and pretend that it would make me feel better. Yay that my friend is called progress. 

I have been avoiding setting up any sort of dietary plan because my mind has just been so occupied by school. I feel like I am cheating myself by not watching what I eat but I have also noticed that I don't snack as much when I am not focused on diet diet diet. Its such a catch22 for me. I think that I will try to find the time to make a loose plan for lunches and dinners and see how that works. I am tired of diets I just really want to focus on making healthy choices. 

Ah now for some mindless tv and sleep. 

Long Day. Didn't run today but hope to do it tomorrow night.  I'll rephrase that -I will run tomorrow. 

My stomach has been flip flopping all day. I am having a hard time this semester, my classes are really tough. The 3 night classes are so hard on my life schedule I feel like the week flies by and I realize that I have done nothing but work and go to classes. It sounds good except I have so much work to do that I am always behind by the time the weekend comes around! Oh well, some day I will be done and it will all be worth it. 

Well I'm pretty sure the bathtub is calling my name...yep I hear it. 

It's going to be a long day..

I got up early this morning, got dressed in my fancy teacher clothes, and headed out the door to my placement (4th grade). The wind is whipping my cheeks, leaves are blowing everywhere, but I finally got the the school, pulled on the door....nothing. It wouldn't budge. School is closed today for Veteran's Day. Ok this may seem obvious to most people but since the college was open I assumed that public schools were open too. Oh man. I could have slept in. 

Totally Unrelated Post

SO this post is absolutely unrelated to weight loss but I wanted to share my little craft project I created. When I got married we chose to put these little metal flowers on top of our cake and I loved them. As I was digging out some decorations I found them sitting my my container looking so sad and hidden away. So I took them out and decided that I needed to see them more often. I came up with the idea to turn them into Christmas ornaments!! SO I twisted the metal and put some together and hooked some ribbon to hang them by. So enjoy, steal the idea, and leave lots of lovely comments!!

Connections

As a few of you might know I am in college working on my degree in psychology and also in a teaching program in order to get my masters in teaching. In one of my classes this past week the prof said something that really hit home on multiple levels. 

He Said: When you reward reading with a pizza party where are you placing the value?

Basically instead of teaching our children that reading is valuable we are teaching them that if you get through this terrible, borring, horrible thing that we call reading then you can have this wonderful thing we call pizza (candy, toys, playtime). Why don't we reward reading with books?

Ok so this is a weight loss blog (kind of) and so I will make the connection in case that doesn't make sense. When I started running I thought that I would reward myself with things like books, makeup, or manicures. So I was turning running into the bad part and placing the value on the things. The truth is that I should place the value on the act of running. The clarity of my mind, the energy I feel after, and the way my body feels stronger after a run. So think about your life and your children..where are you placing the values?

Mental Health day

So I didn't go to my first class today and also didn't go to work for my 2 hour shift. I needed a mental health day quite badly. I woke up feeling a little foggy. I have an exam today at 2:45 and my weekend was so packed that I haven't given the material the time I need to. 

I fully expected to wake up this morning in pain after my extended run last night but my muscles felt great. I always make sure to do the cool down walk and to not stop moving for a little while after I get home. I look crazy bouncing my legs etc but it is worth it. So I'm good. I can't wait to run on Wednesday. I have never made past week two so this is very exciting for me. 

Week 2

SO as I headed out of my apartment building tonight for my last run of c25k week 1 I realized that for some reason week one had disappeared from my ipod. Bummer. So I gave up and headed back inside and ate a bag of hershey kisses. NOT although in the past it probably would have happened. 

Instead I said screw it I will just do my best and try week two. drum roll please.....yeah I did it. I ran all the runs and man am I proud. It was a definite push for me to do the longer running intervals but I completed every single one. So I guess I am on to week 2 run 2 on Wednesday Yay!

It's raining, it's pouring....

It has been raining the past two days so I haven't run but soon that won't be a problem!! I am so excited about getting my treadmill, I really feel like this is going to make a huge change in my life. There have been many many times that I have wanted to go for a walk or run but couldn't because of having no time to go to the gym, gyms closed, its snowing, raining, I dont want to get all dressed and made up to go for a walk. 

Im sure to many people this probably seems silly, to think that a treadmill is the answer to all my exercise problems but it will really mean the world to me. 

Beyond what it is going to do for me there is actually an even better reason to get the treadmill. My husband. He hates working out especially in public. I just know that he will use the treadmill which make me happy. He doesn't need to lose any weight but heart disease runs in his family and his lack of activity worries me a lot. I really just want him to be healthy. 

Soo Excited!!!

I have been wanting a treadmill for as long as I can remember and finally I have one. Well it's on it's way, I just ordered it tonight. I figured that it would be a long time before I could get enough money together to afford one but lucky me I found a decent one at good old Walmart. I'm sure it won't last me 10 years but for now it is worth it. It was $398 and they will ship right to my house so thats nice. It folds up so it will be easy to fit in our apartment. 

I cannot wait to be able to run at home. For all those who don't know I live in Maine which basically means cold. I was planning on getting a gym membership for the winter but then I realized that for $400 I could have the luxury of working out at home saving time, money, and the discomfort of feeling self conscious while working which as you all know is basically Priceless. 

Yay soo excited!!

I didn't run this morning

BUT I did run tonight. I stayed up a little too late last night because well I wanted to hear Obama speak so that I could really believe that this is really  happening. What an amazing night and I was a part of it. I really felt that I was a part of history by voting in this election and I could not be more proud. I couldn't sleep and was up til around 3am. 

So when my alarm went off this morning I was like oh hell no and I decided that it would be best to get the extra hour of sleep. So I was in class until 8 and then came hour relaxed for about  20 minutes and then slipped on my running gear and did Week one Run 2 woo. I am really proud of myself to have made the choice to make running today a priority even though it was later in the day I was dedicated to get it in. 

food

I've decided that I am not going to do an eating plan officially but I am going to log everything I eat into calorie counter. This way I will be able to see why or why not I lose weight. I am being accountable for what I eat but not obsessing about it. We will see how it works for a week or two and go from there. 

I did it!

I did it I got up at 7, put on my running shoes and out the door I went.  Week one Day on done. My feet hurt though is that normal? I went and spent the big bucks on my shoes but the outer portion of my foot is still achey towards the middle of my run. I think I will go back to the shoe store and see if I need a wider shoe or something. We will see what they say, if they can't exchange them for something that will work better then I will just stick with the shoes that I had previously. 

Please note that even if I have to deal with the pain I want to keep running because maybe I just need to break them in (my feet or shoes). Has anyone else had this problem?

New Shoes!

So I did it, I bought the new shoes and I'm not going to lie I had mixed feelings. I was horrified to spend that much money on a pair of shoes but also excited to know that I took the step towards something better for myself. 

At first I didn't like the shoes themselves I thought that they were a little boring but I have to say they are growing on me. I also loved the slogan on the side of the box that said "Run Happy" which is what I hope to do.  So with all that said tomorrow morning will mark day one of my running adventure. 

I also built in a little don't give up deal with my husband. If I don't run on one of my days I have to do the dishes that night (I hate doing the dishes the most of all the chores) But if I do (which I will) run on all three of my days then my husband has to rub my feet on Friday!! Yayy.

Growing up in a large family has clearly affected my eating ways. Growing up it was always a situation of if you don't eat it right away then you aren't getting any. Once I started having my own money I would buy food and hide it in my room. I am not talking about just candy but stupid things like cup of noodles, bags of chips, or fruit snacks. 

Please understand that I never went to bed hungry or opened an empty cupboard. It was simply a situation that all the special things like cookies would disappear the second they were opened and getting seconds at dinner was an eating race. 

When ever my husband and I eat pizza its like being at home all over again. I know that I don't need to eat half the pizza but I feel like if I don't then I wont get my fair share. What an awful feeling. I'm not going to lie I feel this way when I serve food at dinner I make sure that our food is equal even though I end up giving him half of what I take.  

Also my husband knows that when I say don't eat that it's mine that I am not kidding. Sometimes I think that its the same situation as it was at home because he will sit down with a box or bag of anything and just eat the whole thing. It drives me crazy to the point that I always say to him "Don't eat all of it" and he says I won't.  

I feel awful that I have such a possessive feeling towards food. It makes me mad at myself. NOt to mention that when I am on a specific diet it is even worse because I have to have the certain foods available for my lunches etc. I can't just go to the drive thru. 

I really wish I could just let go of all my food issues but I'm not sure if I ever will. My hope is that by blogging or saying it out loud I will be able to be more conscious of my feelings/actions.

Just another way my family screwed me up ...could be worse, trust me I know. 

It's November....

The days are getting shorter and the weather is getting fierce, but so am I....well the fierce part not the shorter part ;) Anyways at a time of year that is usually conducive to eating hearty meals, baking, and stress I am making some changes.  

The last couple of years I did the weight watchers thing but it made me crazy and I would just give up. This year I am going to try to conquer the winter/holiday months from a slightly different angle. 

-To start I will be getting more activity through running. I will set my goals in miles not points. 

-I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the family so I am in control

-I am focusing on the quality of the food I eat and why I am eating

-I am going to try to keep up on my blogging and will hopefully be able to report some goals being met. 

QUESTION

So I will be doing the couch to 5k program which has me run 3 days a week, MWF if you are wondering. I was hoping to do some sort of activity on a couple of the days in between runs but I am not sure what. 

Most activity that I usually do is pretty leg oriented (exercise bike, most videos) and I want to make sure that I am not going to burn out my legs so that I can't run. 

I thought maybe I could just run but I think that if I don't do something on my off days then I will more likely get unmotivated and give up all together. Or maybe if I just focus on the running part then I wont overwhelm myself? So I'm not really sure, maybe yoga? I've never tried yoga and would need a really "for dummies" type of video so if you have any suggestions let me know.

Sleepy..

I was so tired today! I got home at 12:30, took a bath, put on my jammies, and curled up on the couch. It's now 4:00 oops haven't done much of anything besides dig through the mountain of mail that has been sitting on my desk all week. Oh well everyone needs a day like that once in a while. 

So very exciting news on the running front. I think I will be able to purchase my uber expensive running shoes tomorrow. Once I pay for those bad boys I have no choice but to run. I've got to do this because I need the stress relief, I need the calories burned, and I need to be involved with something. I want a goal that isn't a number of pounds. The goal can be a number of miles, or a number of days, or a number in the form of time but not pounds. I am so sick of that goal. I want to be healthier. 

What a week

This week is going to put me over the edge, school is just kicking my butt. I have a physiopsych exam and presentation on Thursday, so unfair. I am just beyond exhausted and have been really struggling to get my sleep lately. I was up til 3am last night and up for class @8 so not fun. I cancelled my morning for tomorrow and I am planning on taking some tylenol pm tonight. 

I don't have time to pick up my new sneakers until Friday so I will hopefully start c25k either Friday night or Saturday morning. I'm not monitoring my food too closely but just trying to make good choices.  Sometimes it helps to not think too much about food. 

Goal

This weeks goal is to get my running plan ready to go, and run once. My secondary goal is to not eat out with the exception of my morning coffee. 

Schedule adjustment

SO I just emailed my boss to see if I can adjust my schedule so I can have a little more time in the mornings 3 days a week. Why you my ask...well I am in classes this semester 3 night a week til 8ish so I needed to find some free time to fit in some running.

 Originally I had planned to run at 6 in the morning to allow me time to shower and get to work by 8.  So as simple as it seemed I figures that I should try getting up that early on an off day just to see how it was. 6 am is really early, really really early. So realizing that I didn't want to set myself up to fail I made a new plan. If I adjust my morning schedule 3 times a week well actually it will only be 2 because Monday I don't have class til 9 am anyways. 

I don't see the schedule change to be a problem by boss is pretty laid back and the kids don't really start to arrive until 9ish anyways. SO we will see what she says about it and go on from there. 

So I am feeling good about this because usually I make plans that are too difficult to stick to but this time I have really thought about it. I am actually excited to start running again. I can't believe that I quit before because of crappy shoes if only I had listened to Marie the first time when she said to go to a running store for shoes. oops. So once the schedule is ok'ed I will go pick up my shoes and get started.  

One question, Has anyone done the couch to 5k program and had to repeat week one? Both times I have tried it I have felt the need to repeat week one should I just really push to get through week two?

Setting my self up for...

So my dilemma today was the cost of the running shoes that I need. It made me stop, think, and wait instead of pressing forward and getting started.  Honestly if I am going to be able to run for a few months on these shoes then isn't it worth the extra $30? Of course it is. I do not want to give up on my self or give myself the excuse to fail at running. 

I need to make sure that I am setting myself up to win, just go buy the shoes, the ipod, and get out there and run.....its not getting any warmer outside that for sure. 

I'm just a girl...

Yeah so I finally went to the running store to see about getting myself some new shoes and it was awkward. The salesperson was great she was really helpful and patient. I just felt like I was a fish out of water. I knew that I would. But I stepped outside my comfort zone and did it. 

She recommended a pair of Brooks, addiction is what they are called. Aparently I pronate a lot and have pretty flat feet. Ok so thats when it hit me I am such a girl ...the shoes were ugly. Well the ones I need are. I wanted flashy, fast looking shoes but really they aren't. I didn't buy any shoes today but I know now what I need.

 I actually found them cheaper online by $30 but I am feeling some guilt about not buying that the store. Is it ok to buy them online even though I used there service at the store? The only other perk to buying them at the running store is that they have a return/exchange program if it turns out that you don't like the shoes after a couple of runs. 

Arg. I am trying to not be cheap and make the best choice but really they are expensive shoes. I also am planning on buying an ipod shuffle that I can just clip to my shirt when I run. Right now I have a ipod touch but it is really too big to run with. Lucky for me the shuffles are under $50 now. 

SO any opinions? Any one tried Brooks brand shoes before?

To run or not to run?

I tried running for a little while and I had some trouble so I was hoping that I could get some answers from all you runners about what I should do.

1. I think I may have bought the wrong sneakers. WHen I run the outer part of my foot aches, is it my shoes? Or is it just something I have to toughen up and work through?

2. How do you keep your pants from falling down?? Seriously I carry my weight like a prego woman and once those pants start to slide its over and want to hit the ground. PS its really ahrd to run and hold up your pants. 

3. Where do I put my keys so they don't fall out of my pockets?

4. Is it worth it??

Please any answers would be LOVELY!!

Thank you again for any support and I really want to do this this time.  PS I love C25K

Winter

I live in Maine, winter sucks. Seasonal depression sucks too. Soo how do we make the best of this? Well this year I am doing things differently. Usually I bake, I eat mountains of pasta, and sleep. This year instead I will decorate the house with festive things, I will buy candles that smell like pumpkin spice or apple cider, and I will bake food for the office. 

Depending on how rough the weather is this year I may even renew my gym contract, although I don't mind running the winter it's kind of nice as long as the roads are clear. 

Inside out

Working on the inside first. I am rebuilding my lifestyle, ok yeah you can "say" it. I know AGAIN. What good is life if you cant start over when you need to? Soo here we go again. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I don't want to be obsessed with counting ...things but I know that I cannot do it without some sort of control. I am not sure what I will do but that is kind of down the road a little. I want to focus on some other life changes like eating more whole foods, less processed junk.

Most importantly I am working on treating my body better and realizing the emotions that I have for food. Food and I are just too attached. 

Some Ideas

Food is my friend

But I have real friends

Food is my partner

But I am lucky to have a great husband

Food is my entertainment

But I have plenty to do.

Food is complicated

But it can be simple

Food is part of my life

But it shouldn't control it

Food is reward

But health is a better reward

Food is fuel

So I better treat it that way. 

Good Stuff

I'm feeling better, thanks for asking! This sinus infection is finally clearing up and I am starting to catch up on much needed sleep. I have been also really working on getting caught up with school stuff. Eating has been ok  I have been working on drinking more water and focusing on listening to my body. 

I have a lot of work to do this weekend, planning, getting some exercise in and doing some homework.

So I have really noticed that if I take one day to work really hard whether it is cooking in bulk in advance, finishing a bunch of homework ahead of time, or just cleaning my house it makes this amazing difference. 

It feels amazing to get ahead, to know that there isn't something that has to be done nagging you in the back of your mind. It is freeing. It even makes me want to do more. It just takes away a little of the pressure in life. 

I am devoting my weekend to getting it together. I will create and complete a to do list. I will organize, clean, and focus. I will finish it all by Saturday so that I can spend Sunday in BED!! WOO. 

New idea.

So I had this idea, I have been trying to figure out a way to reward myself for my hard work, I usually say "When I lose X-lbs I will ---" But doesn't it make more sense to reward consistency? SO maybe I should look at things more like this "When I work out 3 times a week I will----" or "When I stay within my calorie range I will----" 

I have a feeling that this way of thinking would be more healthy mentally. It is rewarding the lifestyle not just weight loss. Obviously weight loss is my goal but health is my priority. 

Since this week is already started I am going to make a mini goal. I am going to get back on track by logging all of my food regardless of how good or bad it is. 

I have to go home this weekend for a funeral (my husbands 2nd cousin, we were prepared for it to happen so it has been a little easier to deal with) so I hope to get back on the counting calories track officially on Monday. However I am going to keep track of what I am eating and not relying on the I'll start Monday eat everything frame of mind. So here's hoping for best. 

I am really struggling to grasp the idea of living life and not just getting through it. I really want to focus on the little ways to enjoy my life and my husband. You only live once and you never know what your expiration date is. So live, love, and enjoy life. 

I'm here hanging out with my lovely cold still hanging on. I'm feeling a little bit better than I was last week but it is still an issue. Food wise I have been eating but not really counting anything. I cannot taste or smell anything so I haven't really had much for cravings which seems like a blessing but really is just a pain because I am having to eat anyways and not able to enjoy any of it. 

My goal for this week is to get rid of my cold by taking care of myself. As much as I hate to admit it I figure that by eating crap the last couple weeks it's kinda my fault that this cold is still around. If I had started taking better care of my body 3 weeks ago I'm sure I would have kicked that cold by now. 

Well thats where I am no weight change, but not too worried about it, I figure I am about 2/3 snot right now anyways ; P

Inspired

I have been so inspired by a blog that I came across. I isn't a weight loss blog but rather a food blog. You can find it at www.KathEats.com which is Kath eats real food and she photgraphs it everyday. The amount of effort put into presentation of her food is amazing and she can make oatmeal seem like a 5 star meal. Check it out it really puts into perspective how making food look pretty can make it more enjoyable.

 No more shoving food into my mouth in front of the tv, mindlessly. I am trying to  eat at the kitchen table and to really enjoy my food. I can already tell that I am eating less and appreciating the simpler things. Do you have any idea how beautiful fruit is? Cut it up lay it on a plate put a dallop of cool whip free or some granola. 

I also see a connection with the enjoyment of eating out and presentation. So I am going to try to plate my food and make an effort with the little things. 

Woops

I have to admit that I have been neglecting my calorie count logs. I've just been really sick, exhausted, and busy with school. I haven't been focused on writing everything down because it has been a lot of work simply staying upright and studying. 

Since I have been non accountable to my calorie count page I have been eating a lot of stuff that normally I would avoid including, Mcdonalds, M&Ms, loads of peanut butter toast, and I have been just doing a lot of extra snacking. 

Bright side I haven't gained, downside I haven't lost. I am feeling a lot more healthy though today and I know that I need to focus this week to make up for this weeks woops. 

BY the way, I have seen all the amazing work that everyone is doing on the Chubby Girls Challenge and it has really been a motivator for me so THANK YOU, all of you are doing amazing. 

Meat and Potatoes kinda girl.

I have always struggled with idea of meals. In my mind a meal is a meat and a starch and that has got to change. I know that I would function much better using a 6 small meals plan. How do I wrap my mind around the idea that a yogurt and a piece of fruit is ok. 

Any tips on eating smaller meals? What should I eat that will last me through 4-5 hours? 

Sick

I am still sick, this has got to end. I mean I am whiny, wanna sleep ALL the time, and eating comfort food sick. I also have two major exams one on  Wednesday and one on Thursday and I start my teaching placement tomorrow morning at 8. Sucky timing for being sick. 

I haven't really been paying much attention to my weight and forgot to weigh in this morning for the chubby girls challenge. Will have to do that tomorrow. Now it's time for a shower, studying, and sleep. 

This may sound funny

This may seem strange but I think I am going to lay off the exercise this week in help with my weight loss. Hmm well it seems the more I work out the less I lose. The math doesn't seem to work but hey I have a lot to do this week (2 exams to study for) so it will be nice to have the extra time. I plan to keep up with the calorie counting and we will see how that goes.

The only problem I can see with my plan of counting calories  and working out last week  was that maybe with all the working out I wasn't taking in enough calories. I was at around 12-1500 cal a day and was working out 30- 60 minutes 5 days a week. Could that be the problem? Do I need to eat more if I am working out? I figured if I was feeling ok then what I was eating was fine.  

Wow..

Wow, is all I can think right now, I am a bit in shock I think. I just pulled out an old journal to check on some measurements and compare where I am now as opposed to the last time I measured. I randomly turned to a page from September of 2006. On the bottom of the page it said " lose 20lbs before Christmas" 

If you don't really read my blog much this statement probably doesn't seem all that abnormal. But if you are very observant you may have noticed that almost 2 years to the day later I made the same goal. I didn't reach my goal in 06 and I was lighter  then than I am now. 

This just struck me as well I'm not sure how I feel. All I can think is wow.  It is almost sad to me that I have wasted 2 years with no loss. I just want to find something that works for me. I mean I have been eating 1200-1400 calories a day and working out 4-5 day a week 30 min-60. The basic math is there I should be losing weight. I'm not asking for a lot just some progress. 

I am feeling pretty discouraged and sad...I have a lot of thinking to so. 

On the plus side I don't have any urge to turn to food right now. I really feel like I have gotten a good hold on my emotional eating. Also I am not thinking of giving up on my healthier diet, I refuse to give up. I know I have said this before and I will probably say it again but I have no choice but to keep trying. I want to be healthy. 

mind games

It's kinda of funny when you are watching what you eat and working out that your weight likes to play mind games with you. I know that I feel like I have leaned up and have been treating my body well but the bottom line say I gained my 3lb loss back. It's frustrating. Why the mind games? And why do I let myself be ruled by them. I know how my body feels and that should be enough. I need to put the scale away. 

I wonder when my body will catch up with my mind. I'm still going to count calories and get my workouts in. I am still going to live my life and gauge my mood by how I feel not what the scale says. 

I am going to put the scale away with the exception of Monday morning so that I can weigh in with the chubby chick challenge. Trust me this is not a wah wah poor me post just trying to analyze my thoughts....sorry psych major. 

Note to self.....

....being unprepared is not an excuse to eat crap...even if it is in your calorie range... and even if you are in a hurry. With all my night classes (3 a week tues-th until 7or8pm) I tend to want to run to fast food between classes or on my way to class. Its just easier, quicker, less messy, and tastes decent. Besides salads there aren't too many healthy choices on the ff menus here so it is usually a happy meal or something like that. 

I feel a lot of indifference about food lately, I would rather not eat than eat salads or veggies. This is an issue especially for me because I get nauseous and spacey when I don't eat often enough. I have been using slimfast to fill the void but I know that I'm not teaching myself to eat correctly it is just a short term fix. 

My solution to this is to plan out my menus around the special time issues. To realize that I don't have to eat a plate of pasta or a meat and potatoes meal to feel that I have had a real meal. I need to realize that I can have a yogurt and fruit or a granola bar and that is ok for a mini meal. I need to remove myself from the meat and potatoes state of mind. 

Does anyone have any good mini meal ideas, food combinations, or good travel foods to share with me?

FALL

I love fall. I love picking apples, fresh crisp air, and falling leaves. Fall makes me really happy and it also brings on the desire to eat all those warm me up foods like stews, pasta, and of course muffins. I cannot wait to make my first batch of pumpkin spice muffins or my first chicken soup of the fall. It's good...it's all good. 

Yummy Pesto Chicken Sandwich

This is a picture of my husbands sandwich since I don't like tomatoes mine wasn't as pretty. I went a little lighter on the mozzarella on my sandwich but you get the idea. I toasted the bread, grilled the chicken, smeared some pesto and layered it all together. YUM.

Bummed out

I messed up today. I got home from class at 8pm tonight and at that point I was at about 1300 calories. I was hungry and I just kept picking and picking. When I added it all up it was almost 800 calories worth of nothing. junk. I didn't even enjoy any of it because I didn't get the chance because it was just this and that...mindless. 

Sucks. Sucks even a little bit more because today was my day off from working out. I can't workout now because I wouldn't be able to sleep. My mind gets really buzzing after I work out so if I do it too late at night I cannot turn off my brain to sleep.  

Well tomorrow is another day. I am going to try to make up for it tomorrow. I think that I will try to plan out my meals...why not now ; )

B 7am- Yogurt 100cal

S 9:30 cereal at work with the kiddies 200 cal

L-11:30 crap ..no idea

S-2pm yogurt 70 cal

D-3:30 Slimfast (on my way to class) 170 cal

S- 5pm pretzels or baked chips 100-140 cal

Thats about 700 calories without lunch.  Maybe a cereal lunch day since there isn't too many other options in my kitchen right now. I will workout for an hour sometime between work and class 12-3:30pm. 

There's the plan Stan. 

Work it Baby!

I have to admit I have been....working my butt off. I am working out so regularly that I have even been squeezing in extra time on my exercise at night in addition to my mid day workouts between classes. Crazy. I have been embracing the calorie burning activity but also in the back of my mind I think ... will I burn out? ......is this a real life style change?........ can I possibly keep this up?....can I? can I?

Well I think I can.

Sorry for the ramble, its late and I am tired but I wanted to say something about it. 

; )

Officially down 3lbs this week, wooooo. It's amazing what counting calories can do for your mental health. Calories in vs. out and so far so good. At this rate well even at a slightly slower rate I will still make my 20lbs for Christmas goal!!! 

By the way I worked out for 2 hours yesterday!! I did 2- 1hour sessions on my exercise bike. I can thank a repeat (new to me since I cannot watch it on Wednesday nights due to a class) of America's top model for the motivation for hour 2. 

Is your diet making you wasteful?

Sometimes when I want a little something to eat I might have half of a 100 cal pack or half of a low sugar ice cream. When I am satisfied I usually don't save the other half simply because half an ice cream doesn't keep well and because its a pain in the butt to deal with the others. Wasteful. Money wise, trash wise, food wise. 

So what is more important? To reduce waste or waist? 

100 Posts

Wow for a first time blogger I am psyched to think that I have posted 100 times! I also have realized that I have wasted 100 posts worth of time trying unsuccessfully to lose this weight. I think that maybe 50 posts ago that thought would have discouraged me but not today. 

I am able to see that time as attempts at eating well and the fact that I could have spent that time eating poorly for it's entirety rather than on and off. 

-I have spent that time finding things that work for me and those that don't. 

-I learned to be more instinctual in my eating 

-that I prefer a little of the real stuff rather than a lot of the fake stuff. 

-I've learned how to bake and cook in healthier ways

- I've learned that if you have to cover it in cheese then it probably doesn't taste that good. 

-I've learned that having the support of other bloggers make my life better and that I want nothing more than to pass that back on to them. 

Pay day = Burger

Crap it was payday Friday, so of course I went out to eat. Well to be honest a friend came to visit and rather than clean my apartment I decided we should get lunch together instead. 

I didn't have much of a choice, the grilled chicken sandwich was looking about as bad for me as the burger so I had the burger, well 3/4 of it. I could have eaten more but I was actually able to stop when I was full. Thats nice. I felt satisfied, not denied, and now my burger craving is satisfied for a while. 

I was still able to stay pretty close to my calorie goal for the day, so I'm ok with it. Eating out is a part of life at least now it is a 3 times a month thing rather than a 3 times a week thing. 

I'm still sticking to the counting calories plan. I've ranged this week from 1100 to 1400 calories which I am pretty happy with. Tonight I made an amazing grilled chicken, pesto, fresh mozzarella sandwich that was delicious but it kinda put me over my points into the 1600 calorie zone. (will post pics later) I am heading to my exercise bike as soon as I type this blog to counteract the overage. 

I have been doing great with exercise, fitting it into my days and committing to my plan. I plan to finish off my workout tonight with a nice relaxing bath and some time with the Cullens. 

I joined! You Should too.

I am ALWAYS up for a challenge! Woo.

Not hungry

 I hate those days that my body is saying eat something you are hungry but really I just don't feel like eating anything. I realize that this sounds like a good problem but unfortunately I get really light headed and sick when I don't eat every 6 or so hours.  

I had a slimfast this morning and a coffee but it is 1:18 right now and my tummy is calling. I feel like not eating right now makes me feel so in control. I know it sounds crazy but I like that my body is signaling to me again and knowing that I am not just eating to eat. I think I'll go to subway before class. 

What do YOU want for Christmas?

I'm not sure if I have posted this before because I know I have thought about it before, so sorry if this is redundant. 

I've been thinking about Christmas past and how each year when I go home to visit my family my weight fluctuates seriously. For a little background my closest family is 3.5 hours away (in-laws) and 7 hours away (my side). I see my in-laws probably 4-7 times a year and my side maybe 2 -3 times. So when I go home that is how they think of me for the time being. Christmas is the time of year that I see everyone both sides of the family and this year I want to wow them. 

That being said I have about 3.75 months to kick this weight loss situation into gear. This is what I want for Christmas! My holiday goal 20lbs  is and I know that I can do it. That works out to be about 1.25lbs a week. That mean I will need to cut about 4000 cals a week. 

All I want for Christmas is to lose 20lbs, lose 20lbs, lose 20lbs. All I want for Christmas is to lose...............

Weekends are easy.

I know that for a lot of people weekends are a problem and 6 months ago I would have agreed however since I have been on the poor side of life lately I am finding it a lot easier. The key here is that I haven't been able to eat out due to a lack of funds. That is a good thing. Eating at home is more structured and I am in control of how things are made. 

Just a small conclusion that I made and I thought that I would share it. 

How much are you willing to give?

I did the math. If I work out one hour a day I am devoting only 4% of my day to exercise. 4% what is that? It is so tiny compared to the 33% I devote to sleep and the 16% I spend watching tv. This is my health and my life I can give up 4% of my day to keep myself healthy. 

So think of that next time you want to cut your workout short or not do it at all. Is your health worth 4% of your day? 

Back in the Game.

Ok so my head is back in the game. I am trying something new, counting calories. I realize that this isn't something new and I am a definite believer in the idea that weight loss is simply- calories in calories out.

 It's kind of funny though because it is a harder adjustment that counting points. I have been counting points for so long that I just know how many points foods are but not necessarily the calorie count.  I am using calorie king a lot to figure out the calories in things like chicken, fruit, and other foods that might not have the nutrition information on them.  I am aiming for about 1300 calories a day. 

I am also focusing on getting an hour of activity a day (5-6 days a week), whether it is walking, biking, or a dvd workout. I have carved out time in my days between work and classes to allow for it. I am taking Wednesday off due to a packed schedule and Saturday because I am on the run anyways so I probably get more activity on Saturday anyways. 

I have attempted running in the past but it wasn't working out for me so I am going to try some activities that are home based and require no travel time or dress requirements. Eventually I will try again but for now it's not in the cards. 

Here I go again. 

Nutritionist

I am going to visit the campus nutritionist and see what she has to say about my eating habits. Right now I am not trying to keep to any plan, I will decide whether or not to continue with weight watchers after I speak with the nutritionist. 

That being said I am going to keep eating well and focus on my feelings of hunger and fullness. I am going to be active and focus on adapting my healthy habits to my new schedule. BTW my semester just started and 4 days a week I am in class from 4 - 7 or 8:00 at night so I have to fight the urge to run through the drive thru and plan ahead. 

I have said it before and I will say it again I am not giving up on losing weight I am simply figuring out which path will take me where I need to go. 

disappointment.

SO I got my labs back today, I have never been so sad to be normal. Everything came back normal. Now I have no excuses, it is all my own fault that I am a weight loss failure. I must be sabotaging myself somewhere, I don't know. 

I feel that I don't have anywhere to turn anymore. Weight watchers is not working for me and it is all I know. I'm really not sure what I am going to do now but I know I have to do something because not losing weight is not an option.  

I hope that you day was better than mine.

Back to school

It was my first day back to class and already I am feeling the food crunch. After a day of classes it is just so much easier to run through the drivethru and grab something. I am trying to plan and fight it but it is always a challenge especially when dealing with the adjustment of a new schedule.

On a different note I did visit my campus nurse practitioner today and discussed my lack of weight loss progress and so tomorrow I am heading to the lab for some blood work (yuck) I am such a baby when it comes to needles. 

They tried to take blood at the office today but couldn't get a good vein, so off to the phlebotomist I go.  Wish me luck. I am getting thyroid test and a couple of others too, a complete metabolic something or other and a cbc I think. 

The bottom line is that I just want to know what is going on with my body and why it doesn't want me to lose weight and be healthy. So thats the plan Stan. 

I have a full day of work and classes tomorrow in which to squeeze in this bloodwork so hopefully I can get in and get it done so I can get my results by the end of the week. 

Picture time

So I'm getting some pictures done of my husband and I tomorrow. Kinda of like one year late engagement photos or basically just something to replace the wedding photos we weren't that happy with.  I had a bit of a melt down about it though. I couldn't find any shirts that sufficiently hide my muffin top, well I refer to it as my cake top because muffin just doesn't seem to cover it. 

I screamed, cried, and basically went crazy, then I went shopping.

 I finally found something that will do but it made me realize how much simple things in life are made more difficult because of my weight.  I literally dream of the day that I can throw on anything in my closet and feel good about it. I hate my cake top it has got to go. Unfortunitly once again I haven't lost anything this week. 

I am beginning to think that there is something wrong with me. I have heard a lot about hypothyroid issues lately and so I researched it a little bit. I found that I have almost all of the symptoms to some degree, is it wrong that this makes me feel hopeful? Is it wrong that I am hoping that there is something medically wrong with me? I just want some answers to why I cannot seem to lose this weight. 

Friday menus

I had a pretty good Thursday but I have been slacking on my water intake most likely due to the fact that I have been drinking diet coke once again. Ah the dc debate, I stopped drinking it for a couple months but to be honest I didn't lose any weight all I lost was a 0 point indulgence. I missed having my diet coke and so I am just trying to keep it in moderation. 

My activity levels are pretty low but I seem to gain when I work out anyways for some ungodly reason. I am going to try to get the husband out of the house this weekend and hopefully go for a mini hike somewhere. I also am having my pictures taken on Sunday at a local park, on the ocean so I am hoping that I end up looking ok in them. I refuse to wait for things until I am thinner, I have missed out on too much in my life because of that. I will get the pics taken and if I look fat well then I will have that much more motivation hanging on my wall. 

Here's the plan for the evening/tomorrow. 

5pm Ham and cheese sandwich with pickles on the side 6pts

7pm sg free pudding and 100 cal pack- 3pts

sleep in- pancakes for brunch- 5pts

1ish grilled cheese- 5pts 

3pm snack- 2pts

 

Thats 21pts but I will probably add something to dinner to make up the 3pts. 

Food for Friday.

5:30pm boneless chicken breast (sm), corn on the cob, mashed potatoes - 7pts

7pm- 2 sugar free popcicles- 1pt

9:00am cereal - 4pts

noon pasta 7pts

2:00pm 100 cal pack 2pts

 That is 22pts and I'm sure I will fill in the other 2pts somewhere in the day on a snack or coffee. Its a tough day to plan for because I am off from work  due to a staff training day. 

Today's food (th) was ok, I actually ate more for breakfast and less for lunch, I also had 4 sugarfree fudgcicles. I can't get enough of those things but for 2pts it was a simple indulgence. 

Breaking through road blocks.

Do you ever think about what is stopping you from committing to your weight loss? I do. I think about the possibility of extra skin, how much worse my shopping addiction will be, and how it will effect my place in life. 

I think about what I want most in life, to have a happy marriage, to own a home, to be out of debt, and to be thin/healthy.  Why is it the easiest one to obtain is the most difficult. By easy I mean that I am not held back by anything other that my own commitment to the loss.  

I physically CAN eat less and move more. I financially can afford healthy food choices as opposed to a ton of junk and take out. 

I'm not going to lie, this makes me so mad. It is my fault I am the size I am and I can lay blame no where else. I can think in the back of my head that I must have some health issue holding my weight loss back but I know the truth is that the key is to move more/eat less. 

I would never except the excuses that I use from anyone else. 

I am trying to break down the barriers that are stopping me from achieving my goals. I'm trying to work through my negative thoughts and use this blog to my advantage. I know that I can do this, I just need to ask ....what is stopping me?

Dinner out.

I had dinner out with a friend tonight at applebees and I have to admit I did pass on the ww menu because it just seemed kind of crappy choices. I instead chose a chicken bruschetta sandwich with a side salad. It was a higher point choice but I think that it was still better than the usual boneless buffalo wings with ranch.  So alls good in the hood. 

So since posting menus worked so well last week I am going to try it again this week. Obviously still starting at night 5pm which is when I reset my points. 

6:00pm applebees- 16pts

7pm sugarfree fudgcicle (2) 1pt

7:30 bottle of water, apple- 1pt

9:00 cereal 2pts

11:30 smart pop 100 cal 2pts

  cereal 4pts

1:30pm ish 100 cal pack and iced coffee 4pts

30pts total = 6pts over :(  Oh well thats what fp are for. 

Hopefully I can get some activity in, I do have a major paper to work on which will take precedence. 

I feel good...

I'm feeling the "new to weight watchers " feelings lately. I am digging the sense of control and really taking the time to think about whether I am actually hungry or just bored. It's nice. 

Irritated.

So I worked my bum off this week, got in my activity, stayed within my points and drank obscene amounts of water. I lost ...nothing, as a matter of fact I gained 2 lbs. It makes me sad because it makes me think that weight watchers doesn't work for me anymore and in my past it is the only thing that has even remotely worked for me.  

It never gets easier to face a week without a loss or worse with a gain, especially when you try so hard.

Overall I had a good weekend visiting family my eating was within my points, I did use every flex point I had though. So thats the news from this weekend. Now I'm off to make dinner. 

Thursday's plan

5pm Panera- 14pts

9:00 Cereal- 4pts

11:30 Cucumbers and dip- 3pts

    pita with laughing cow 2pts

1:30 Snack 3pts

3:30 Cereal 2pts 

I am leaving town around 4:30pm so I will probably have dinner on the road. I have a challenging weekend away and I know that in the past going out of town was treated as a string of Free days but not this time. I will not ruin this weeks hard work by eating a ton of crap this weekend. 

I will not have internet access while I am away but I may write my food journals and post them after I get home. 

Wed food diary

So I figured that I should adjust my food journal to be more accurate. I reset my point everyday at 5pm because I find it makes it easier to adjust for my day. I think it is easier to skimp on lunch than it is to on dinner. 

5PM applebees, not exactly sure yet probably around 12-15 pts EDIT-> dinner was cancelled

 5PM Spaghetti and bread 8pts

7pm bottle of water

7:30AM- slimfast 3pts

9:00 - special k protein with 1% 2pts

11:30- cukes with dip 3pts

    1 Pita with laughing cow 2pts

1:30 triscuit thins  and fruit 3 pts

This puts me over my points a bit but that is what flex is for.

Water 4 bottles

exercise- bike 45 minutes

As you can see I tend to get in a bit of a routine eating the same foods for a while but eventually something else will catch my eye and it will change. 

So I have been freaking out a little about going to this fair this weekend. I know that I am very likely to order what I always do....a dough boy aka funnel cake with cinnamon and sugar yum! SO I figured it would be best to look up the nutritional information on them.  HAHAHAHA 19 points!!!! Yeah I don't think so. That is like 4 pieces of pizza or a quarter pounder with cheese and a med fry. Soo not worth it.  

SO when I realized that realistically they are not a choice I looked up other fair foods. I decided that I could have a cotton candy AND a candied apple for only 6 points, much better.  I know its a lot of sugar but it is a better choice. 

I'm not going to lie, I will take a bite of the husbands doughboy, and I will undoubtably enjoy it immensely. Wow that is a load off my chest, I am going to be able to have fun and eat yummy things without guilty because I have planned for them. Plus think of all the walking to be done at a fair not to mention chasing around all my little nephews. 

Menu for Tuesday

Menu

7:30 slimfast 

9:00 cereal or cereal bar

11:30 cukes and dip 3

   pita with laughing cow 2

1:30 fruit

5:15 dinner out with a friend, Applebees so probably something from the ww menu (any suggestions?)

Water- 4 bottles 

activity- heading to the dog park so a little walking there

     -bike 30 minutes

Okay.

Doing pretty well so far sticking to my plan. I went over  a bit with my morning snack but only by 3 points. I skipped my morning coffee successfully which translates to no one got hurt. I managed my 30 minutes on the exercise bike and actually stayed an extra 10 minutes to boot. 

I've done pretty well on my water so far 3 bottles down and going strong. My afternoon was a bit of a struggle with snacking, I found that I get bored and all I can think about is food.  

I knew that I wasn't hungry but I still had a hard time resisting. I'm thinking that if I workout in the afternoon when possible it might help fight the munchies. 

It felt really good to get some movement in today, even though it wasn't an hour of high intensity exercise, it felt good to accomplish something. I might even head out to walk the 4 mile trek around the bay I live near, well maybe. 

Seriously?

I decided to start weight watchers once again today. About half way through the day my husband mentioned that the family wanted to go to the fair this weekend and my first thoughts were "crap I guess I can't do ww this week" Basically I saw the fair as an unbeatable obstacle even though I have a whole week to plan for it. Seriously..? Seriously? come one. I feel so ridiculous for even thinking it. 

So I am going to approach going out of town, not to mention to a fair with the more obvious and beneficial approach. Im going to plan, save my flex points, and make good choices. 

By the way, I am getting pictures taken on the 30th with the husband and I want to look as good as I can in them. I have to get myself back on track!!

Menus..

Soo I thought that I might put up my daily menu in advance for tomorrow and see if that helps me keep to my points. So here is the plan

7:30 Slimfast 3pts

9:00 cereal or cereal bar 2pts

11:30 2 small pitas with laughing cow cheese 4pts

   cucumbers with dip 2pts

2:00 snack- fruit 2pts

5:00 chicken with corn on the cob 6pts

7:00 2-3 pt snack 

Water goal 4- 20oz bottles

activity goal- 30 minutes on the bike or a 30 min walk.

Well there's the plan stan. 

Same old thing

I'm still up to my moderately poor eating habits, although I have decided that it is now time to stop. Eating intuitively hasn't been working all that well to be honest, I'm up again. I just cleared my house of all the not so point friendly foods and have decided to focus on eating within stricter boundaries. Counting points maybe, I haven't fully decided yet, but I will decide that before tomorrow.

    Regardless of how I decide to monitor my eating I do plan on scheduling my meals for the week ahead and sticking to it. I always seem to struggle with what to eat for dinner so I think that it will help to have already planned. I have also instituted cereal for dinner night 2x a week. Its healthy, low points, cheap, and easy. It is also a way to sneak in some fun because there are whole grain cereals out there that are really yummy, personally I like fruity pebbles. 

As much as I hate to say it I have dinner out plans tonight which means tricky ordering at the place we are going but I will do. I'm not that hungry anyways. SO here we go, again. 

Yum

Triscuit Thin Crisps, 15 of them, 2 points. Delicious.

Orange flavored Crasins, 1/3 cup 2pts -reminds me of fruit snacks.

Laughing Cow herbs and garlic 1pt each- Really good on a pita

GNO was a blast

Girls night was fun and we had awesome fondue and yummy cake. I had a couple cocktails and a lot of laughs. Sometimes it takes such a small act like getting together with a few friends to hang out to remind you how good life really is. 

Life is not about weight, food, or points. It is about friends, good times, family, and laughter. My weight doesn't stop me from any of those things, unless I let it. 

I realize that my last few points may not be as supportive of what a weight loss blog usually is but the bottom line is that I am still just trying to figure it all out. How to balance weight loss and life. How to focus on my family, friends, education, and how to enjoy my life while I am living it. I do not want to live for "when I am skinny" but instead I want to live now. 

LIfe

So I haven't been counting my points, I've eaten out, I've had ice cream in unmeasured portions, and I have been living my life. 

I have lost 2 lbs. 

Moderation. If I have learned anything from ww it is portions, moderation, and how it feels when I eat healthy vs. not. I know that will refer to ww more than not in my weight loss journey but it is also nice to know that it is possible to eat healthy without becoming obsessed with points. 

I'm sure I will start counting again soon, because it does give my life a certain feeling of control. 

But for tonight, I am going out to celebrate my birthday (early) with the girls. There will be fondue, cake, and cocktail. I'm not counting a damn thing. 

And on and on

        So the poor eating hasn't stopped yet but it as strange as it sounds is controlled. I am trying to get in all the foods I never let myself have. Yes I know, weight watchers isn't a diet (haha) and I can always eat what I want (haha) but the reality is with the points systems there are just some foods that don't add up (forgive the pun). 

      I know that it's probably not the best idea to consume all these foods in the period of a weekend but you know what, I needed a break. I wasn't losing and I needed the freedom for a couple days.          

         During all this "freedom" I also went out and bought healthy groceries so I am stocked for the beginning of the week. Or maybe sooner. I know that my body will start craving better fuel, it already has started to and when it does I will be prepared. 

I have also started to think about rejoining ww and actually attending the meetings. I have wanted to for a while but I have been a bit strapped for cash. I am working on my budget to wiggle some things around and hopefully I can figure something out. 

This post is brought to you by the letter S

S as in sick. Yeah I had a total bingefest today. It started innocently with a  slice of pizza, moved on to a lemon frosted cupcake with blue sprinkles, and ended with Mcdonald's drivethru. Yeah I haven't have all this crap in so long it made me quite ill. It sucks that I did it but I realized why I don't eat all that crap anymore at least not in high quantities or all at once. 

Dammit. Moving on I am babysitting tonight for a family that lives right near the beach so I should get some decent outside activity. They also never have any junk food in the house so thats helpful...until you get hungry and have the choice of wheatbran or carrots.  

Still not depressed over the whole dieting debacles that are my life. I'm cool, moving on and so thats life. 

Is it nuts?

Do you eat nuts? I love almonds but I have a really hard time justifying the points value of them. I realize they have healthy fats and protein but is it worth it to eat them? Where do they fit into the delicate balance of losing weight?

tech check

I am a proud owner of a ipod touch as of last week and I wanted to let any other touch or iphone owners know that there is a free application on itunes that functions as a points calculator. To me this is awesome because that means I won't need to bring my really obvious points slider to the grocery store with me anymore. 

There is also a notes function which I plan to use to track my points. You can download video podcasts from TLC and there are a few that are health tips. I figured I can watch the videos while riding my stationary bike. It's fabulous.  Check it out. 

http://www.apple.com/ipodtouch/

Ups and Downs

The ups and downs of weight loss can be so brutal. I feel good that I am putting better things in my body and I know that I am much more aware of what I put in my body. However, I also haven't seen a change body wise or scale wise. It makes me mad that I am putting in the time and counting my points but not seeing the results.

 It also concerns me. Why is it that I am working so hard but seeing no change? It makes me think is there something wrong with me, and then all these ideas run through my head, diabetes, thyroid issues, and who knows what else. I hope that I am simply being over dramatic or maybe weight watchers isn't going to work for me this time.  

What am I missing? I am measuring, counting, researching websites, and I just can't find my loophole. I have lowered my points and tried getting more activity. I really wish I had insurance so I could visit the doctor, I am going to check out what the campus has to offer for medical help. 

Eh that being said I still haven't stopped counting and I know I need to keep going because in the long view of things I am still making healthier choices. 

I wish I could just fix this by recommiting myself to the plan but the bottom line is that I am working the plan and I have been for the past couple months. 

Oh well I guess the plan is, check with the campus docs maybe get a check up if possible, try to get in even more activity and keep eating fresh. 

It's all good in the hood.

I'm still working the ww and not really struggling with it however it isn't working that well for me. I'm not really freaking out about it though. As much as I want this weight to go I realize that it isn't the end of the world. I'm still making good choices and I find myself really gravitating to more organic options. 

The bottom line is I may not really be losing but I feel pretty good. I can tell I am healthier and I am not obsessing about a number. It's a strange feeling to not really care what the scale says. I am tempted to put it away and not even worry about it. I just want to be healthier and happy. 

hanging in there

I'm still doing my ww thing and trying to keep up the good. I really have been busy and just haven't had the time to post. SO just for reference I haven't fallen off the wagon, I'm still going strong and will blog something interesting soon. 

Clearing out.

I have earned my activity points for sure this weekend. We have been working hard on painting, reorganizing, and clearing out our apartment and man can I feel it in my body today. I am achey. It was worth it though the place looks great and we are almost done.  When I walk into my newly painting living room it is really relaxing and I want to be here.  It's definitely a good thing.  

On the weight loss front I am down a pound this week so yay. Slow and steady I suppose. 

Now I am off because it is my anniversary and I have stuff to do!!

Pizza

I had pizza tonight, it was regular crust with green peppers on top. I enjoyed it a lot, I managed to take my time and really enjoy what I was eating. When I was comfortable I stopped, I was satisfied. I ordered the pizza because I had 17 flex point left and one day to use them. I didn't HAVE to use them but I did. 

I then went to go babysit 2 hours later where the mother made pizza for us for dinner. I had already eaten so I didn't have any. WAIT free pizza and I didn't even pick one piece of pepperoni off the top. I was still full. 

I did end up feeling a little guilty though because there was so much pizza and I didn't eat any. It was like I felt bad that she made it for me and I didn't eat any of it. I won't lie I took a piece wrapped it in a paper towel and threw it away so she would think I at least ate one piece.  I still think that was a better choice than eating it. 

The bottom line is I was listening to my body, I didn't overindulge. Go Me. 

Assume I am following my points accurately, weighting, measuring, and drinking my water....I am. So maybe the lack of weight loss is because I need to lower my points? It is the only thing that I can think of that would be stopping me from losing any weight. Maybe my job isn't as active as I think it is. Maybe it's because I am approaching a new age bracket. Maybe I just need to drop my points by a couple. 

I think that I will drop my daily points down 2 and see what happens. This worries me only because when I know that I am running out of points for the day it makes me nervous. I think that I cannot possibly do it and I give up. Well that is actually my typical action in such situation however I am feeling strong. 

Why am I feeling so strong even though I am not losing anything and working so hard? Well I don't know. I am so used to just giving up but this time I am feel ok. I want to lose but I know that if I give up I won't but if I keep trying then I might. Giving up is no longer a choice. 

It's funny I know that I am at my highest weight I can feel it in my clothes but for some reason  I feel thinner. It is so strange. I feel strong, I feel more healthy, I feel much more ok. 

Now if only my pants fit. 

I'm going to keep on going, it's not easy but it will be easier someday.

Is it even possible?

When I see people who have lost 50+ lbs and look like shadows of their former selves I think wow could I even be that thin? I can't imagine life without a belly. I can't image pulling on a pair of pants and not having to worry about muffin top. What is life like without a spare tire? Will I ever know? Could I ever actually be 135lbs? 

Amazing weekend

I behaved amazingly this weekend. I packed healthy snacks for the drive, dinner was subway on the road, and no stops for chips or candy. I picked up yogurt for breakfast and I ate before I headed out to the wedding to prevent becoming irrationally hungry and I said no to cake. I managed to squeeze in a decent bike ride on Saturday with my little brothers and I had saved 20 of my flex points to cover any tough spots. I stayed on plan and drank all my water. I was so proud of myself because this is the first time I haven't given up on a weekend out of town. I didn't say screw it I can't manage my eating away from home. I did great.

I gained 2lbs. 

My body is unf*cking believable. I want to cry, scream and give up. But I didn't yet. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on with this without any change in my weight. I am working so hard and gaining (losing) nothing from it. Something has go to be wrong. I measure my servings, drink my water, journal everyday, I have lost nothing.  I'm pushing on for two more weeks if nothing changes after that I'm just going to stop eating completely. Ok not really but I am done with weight watchers and have no idea what to do next. It is the only thing that has ever help me lose weight (up to 15lbs, twice) I just don't know.