Friday, December 3, 2010

feeling sad.

I feel like I am letting myself down. I keep waiting for something to motivate me, something to change the way I think and feel. I feel so unhappy with myself, constantly uncomfortable in my body. I hate that. I just want to go back to a time when I felt okay getting dressed instead of feeling defeated and thinking " its as good as it is going to get". Nothing fits, it is all about damage control and hiding. I want to feel good in my body, not constantly wanting to hide.

The hiding of my body goes hand in hand with the feeling of depression that is creeping up on me. I could blame the weather, lack of light, missing my friends but truthfully it all stems from my discomfort in my body. I constantly fear someone will ask if I am pregnant from the way my stomach protrudes. I feel lazy and lackluster. I feel sad.

I know what to do but how d I convince myself to do it? How do I get moving? Isn't that the eternal question of the chronic weight loss failure? Yes I feel like a failure. I have no excuse not to change.

I literally dream of being runner. I've tried in the past, I've promised to start again, but I always give up. I usually get to the 3 minute runs in the couch to 5k program and somehow it all drops off, I give up. I want to try again but maybe I am afraid to fail again. HOw do I break through?

2 comments:

Anne H said...

It's easy to say "Don't be afraid to fail..."
Depression is just about the worst thing.
Running in your dreams... in your past.....
on your mind.....
Why not just try again?
And again, if needed!
No shame in trying again.

Verity Vaudeville said...

Funny you should say 'it's as good as it's going to get' because I say that all the time. It's exhausting; the same ceaseless cycles of thinking, the rigmarole of putting more effort in than anyone should really. If weight were a thought process, I'm sure we'd be size 0 skinnies what with the ache of it all.

I'm not sure sure what to suggest, other than doing something non-weight related that celebrates you as a person. Maybe off the back of that good feeling, you can build yourself up, until there's nothing you can't do or achieve.